The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 4: Only Fools and Gift Horses

Ever wished your suitcase looked like something from a David Lynch film? No, us neither.

What have Del Boy and the Apprentice candidates got in common?

Well, nothing, as it happens: because whereas Del Boy could have made a fortune selling broken tat to idiots, his Apprentice counterparts couldn’t sell half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles if their lives (or rather careers) depended on it. Read more of this post

The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 2: Bathtime Blues for Team Sterling

Maria snoozes her way to failure.

Originally written for The Huffington Post

This week, the Apprentice candidates had to design a ‘useful’ household product then pitch it to two well known retailers.

It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But bear in mind that these are people who couldn’t find their rear ends with both hands, a sat nav and a detailed guide to human anatomy. It was always going to go wrong.

When you think of a household product just waiting to be invented, most people (ie me) would come up with a robotic wine waiter linked by Wi-Fi to an intelligent glass that notified it when your drink was almost empty. Or possibly a small personal helicopter to transport you to the kitchen. Read more of this post

Apprentice Series 8, Episode 1 Recap- “Blank Canvas”

"Hello, I'm talking into my phone like a lunatic chatting to the plate they're eating dinner from, because I'm an idiot"

Originally written for The Huffington Post

The Apprentice returned to our screens last night, and as usual the first thing out of the collective mouths of the candidates were odd metaphors: usually about animals.

Purple bloused Maria started the trend with her claim that she was ‘literally’ going to roar her way to the top. Because that’s how extended job interviews work: it’s a volume thing.

Also, the amusingly named Ricky Martin is a shark, apparently. He claims he’s ‘right at the top of the food chain’. But unfortunately for him, humans actually hold the top spot. Someone should probably warn him he’s a) endangered and b) likely to have his body parts turned into some kind of soup. Read more of this post

The Apprentice Winners – What Did They Do Next?

"How embarrassing, we both showed up to work in the same outfit"

Originally written for The Huffington Post

Last week, Lord Sugar unveiled 16 contestants hoping to become his new Apprentice. The series returns to BBC1 today.

If they complete all the weekly tasks successfully they’ll get the chance to work with the grizzled business magnate. However, if you’ve been keeping track, you’ll know that whoever wins this series will be the eighth apprentice Lord Sugar has taken on so far. But does he really need a new one? What happened to the others?

Don’t worry: they’re not locked in a basement somewhere. But interestingly, they’re no longer working for Amscreen, Amsprop or any of Lord Sugar’s other business interests either. They’ve all moved on. Read more of this post

Young Apprentice Liveblog: The Final!

The last 8 weeks have been emotional…not to mention frequently confusing.

We’ve seen small boys in pirate costumes harangue passers by in an attempt to sell frozen yoghurt, the anti race-relations act being read in response to a progressive mother/baby ad campaign, and who could forget the dramatic search for a dashiki in Week Six.

Oh, you already did. Never mind.

So, 12 were whittled down to 2, as is traditional. The two whittlees are James and Zara. Do they deserve to be there? Possibly, possibly not…but a Boris Johnson vs Her Royal Highness Princess Beatrice Elizabeth of York final is what Lord Sugar wanted, so it’s what we’ve got.

Tonight the Younglings have to design and market a ‘downloadable online game’. An app, in other words: calling to mind the dreadful, mutated creations peddled by Edna and the other Adult Apprentices last year.

But these are youngsters, after all. They’re hip, they’ve played not only Angry Birds, but Angry Birds Rio. They were weaned on the Cow and Gate Virtual Milk Game on the Playstation 28. They’ll create something worth buying, right? Right?

Ah, hang on. These are the same people who created Barbeque Chicken and Paella flavoured popcorn last week. All bets are off. They’ll probably create a game that breaks down the barriers between the Earth and Hell, ushering in the apocalypse. And what’s worse, they’ll charge £1.99 for it instead of the far more socially acceptable 69p…

See you at 9! Read more of this post

The Apprentice, Series 6: Episode 3- Lateblogged

Hello again! As I’ve mentioned before, I’m lending a hand (albeit in a very minor capacity) with the excellent Guardian Apprentice liveblog. The downside of that is that I can’t actually do this live myself, as I’m yet to perfect the art of human cloning.

Until I do, you’ll have to put up with a lateblog. Or deadblog. Or not-so-liveblog. Feel free to coin your own phrases. Anyway, on with the show!

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9pm. “I’m not interested in any Cautious Carols”, says Suralun. No, and nor should you be. I went out with a Cautious Carol once. It took fourteen hours for her to cross the road. Really ruined our first date, as I recall.

The candidates are roused at 6.30am this week: a whole hour later than usual. Suralun must be getting soft. They’re told they have to be at Piccadilly in 30 minutes. Yikes. I couldn’t even put my socks on at that hour- I’d stumble out of the house semi naked and then instantly pass out in the limo.

Actually, that’d make fairly good TV. I should apply for the next series. Read more of this post

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