The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 4: Only Fools and Gift Horses

Ever wished your suitcase looked like something from a David Lynch film? No, us neither.

What have Del Boy and the Apprentice candidates got in common?

Well, nothing, as it happens: because whereas Del Boy could have made a fortune selling broken tat to idiots, his Apprentice counterparts couldn’t sell half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles if their lives (or rather careers) depended on it. Read more of this post

The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 3: Outsauced

Jane attempts her first ever smile. And fails.

Where would we be without table sauce? We’ve been using it for thousands of years: the Romans even made one from pickled, rotten fish guts that makes Marmite look positively palatable in comparison.

However, from the panicked behaviour of the candidates throughout this week’s condiment-making task you’d have been forgiven for thinking they’d never heard of relishes, mustards and chutneys before. This was odd, given the enlightening dockside lecture about the history of the spice trade they’d been treated to at the initial briefing: Read more of this post

The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 2: Bathtime Blues for Team Sterling

Maria snoozes her way to failure.

Originally written for The Huffington Post

This week, the Apprentice candidates had to design a ‘useful’ household product then pitch it to two well known retailers.

It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But bear in mind that these are people who couldn’t find their rear ends with both hands, a sat nav and a detailed guide to human anatomy. It was always going to go wrong.

When you think of a household product just waiting to be invented, most people (ie me) would come up with a robotic wine waiter linked by Wi-Fi to an intelligent glass that notified it when your drink was almost empty. Or possibly a small personal helicopter to transport you to the kitchen. Read more of this post

Apprentice Series 8, Episode 1 Recap- “Blank Canvas”

"Hello, I'm talking into my phone like a lunatic chatting to the plate they're eating dinner from, because I'm an idiot"

Originally written for The Huffington Post

The Apprentice returned to our screens last night, and as usual the first thing out of the collective mouths of the candidates were odd metaphors: usually about animals.

Purple bloused Maria started the trend with her claim that she was ‘literally’ going to roar her way to the top. Because that’s how extended job interviews work: it’s a volume thing.

Also, the amusingly named Ricky Martin is a shark, apparently. He claims he’s ‘right at the top of the food chain’. But unfortunately for him, humans actually hold the top spot. Someone should probably warn him he’s a) endangered and b) likely to have his body parts turned into some kind of soup. Read more of this post

Apprentice 2011: The Final Five

It’s the penultimate episode of The Apprentice tonight, although I can hardly believe it. How on Earth is this series over already? It seems that time flies when you’re having fun…and also when you’re biting down on your fist, cringing inwardly and weeping tears of blood in sheer disbelief at the fact any group of people could be so stupid.

So in preparation for tonight’s episode, a.k.a. the Buffoonery World Cup semi final, let’s take a look at the remaining five candidates:

Susan Ma

So what have we learned about Susan? Very little, I think. I mean, we don’t even SKINCARE know what she ENTREPRENEUR does for a living. Unlike SKINCARE many of the ENTREPRENEUR candidates, she’s SKINCARE been very reticent about ENTREPRENEUR mentioning her previous experience. Unless she’s SKINCARE simply mentioned it so ENTREPRENEUR much it’s acted almost like SKINCARE an subliminal message. It’s impossible to say for ENTREPRENEUR sure.

I was so confused, in fact, that I googled her: according to www.susanma.com  she’s the managing director of ‘Tropic Skincare’. Well, she kept that quiet: I’d have guessed ‘travelling duvet cover saleswoman (Knightsbridge division)’. Or possibly cultural attaché to the French ambassador, with particular responsibility for advising him how to drive cars and love his children. Read more of this post

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