The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 4: Only Fools and Gift Horses

Ever wished your suitcase looked like something from a David Lynch film? No, us neither.

What have Del Boy and the Apprentice candidates got in common?

Well, nothing, as it happens: because whereas Del Boy could have made a fortune selling broken tat to idiots, his Apprentice counterparts couldn’t sell half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles if their lives (or rather careers) depended on it. Read more of this post

The Syndicate Series Blog: Episode Three

"What would Morgan Freeman have to say about this?"

Remember Bob (Timothy Spall)?

He’s the shop manager who was knocked out in the fake robbery. We saw him for about five minutes in the first episode, and he’s been in a hospital bed ever since.

While he was in getting his head stitched up, he was unexpectedly diagnosed with glioblastoma multiforme (an aggressive form of brain cancer) with a worrying prognosis.

Some might say Jamie did him a favour smacking him over the head with that whisky bottle. Jamie would say that. Jamie’s an idiot. Read more of this post

The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 3: Outsauced

Jane attempts her first ever smile. And fails.

Where would we be without table sauce? We’ve been using it for thousands of years: the Romans even made one from pickled, rotten fish guts that makes Marmite look positively palatable in comparison.

However, from the panicked behaviour of the candidates throughout this week’s condiment-making task you’d have been forgiven for thinking they’d never heard of relishes, mustards and chutneys before. This was odd, given the enlightening dockside lecture about the history of the spice trade they’d been treated to at the initial briefing: Read more of this post

The Syndicate Series Blog: Episode Two

Let's go shopping!

Coming into a substantial amount of money is good for sorting the wheat from the chaff: specifically, discovering what your nearest and dearest really think of you.

Of course, it helps if your nearest and dearest have exceptionally bad timing and a soft spot for cruises.

This week is Denise’s episode. She’s the – ahem- ‘beautiful on the inside’ one, so naturally her response to a lottery win is to have enormous amounts of plastic surgery.

But there’s more to this than meets the eye, as it turns out her husband has just left her. He wanted to start again. He said he was 48 and had nothing to show for it, that she deserved someone who was attracted to her. And he did it moments before finding out she’d won the lottery. Ouch. Read more of this post

The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 2: Bathtime Blues for Team Sterling

Maria snoozes her way to failure.

Originally written for The Huffington Post

This week, the Apprentice candidates had to design a ‘useful’ household product then pitch it to two well known retailers.

It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But bear in mind that these are people who couldn’t find their rear ends with both hands, a sat nav and a detailed guide to human anatomy. It was always going to go wrong.

When you think of a household product just waiting to be invented, most people (ie me) would come up with a robotic wine waiter linked by Wi-Fi to an intelligent glass that notified it when your drink was almost empty. Or possibly a small personal helicopter to transport you to the kitchen. Read more of this post

The Syndicate Series Blog: Episode One

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Everyone’s winning the lottery these days. It could be you. Sadly, it’s more likely to be the staff of your local supermarket. The ones who sell you generic cheese puffs and non-organic milk in an emergency.

The entire workforce of Right Buy U (worst shop name ever?) have won the lottery. All £18 million of it. But before we can watch this merry band splash their cash in reckless and vulgar ways, we need to get to know them four days earlier. Before the windfall.

Stu, his pregnant girlfriend Amy, and their little boy have moved back in with his mum. Stu’s younger brother Jamie lives there too. It’s as harmonious as you’d expect. Amy hates Stu’s mum, mainly due to the fact ‘she thinks she knows everything coz she’s a dinner lady’.

Indeed porridge and Louis Vuitton seem to be their main bones of contention. Read more of this post

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