Young Apprentice Liveblog: The Final!

The last 8 weeks have been emotional…not to mention frequently confusing.

We’ve seen small boys in pirate costumes harangue passers by in an attempt to sell frozen yoghurt, the anti race-relations act being read in response to a progressive mother/baby ad campaign, and who could forget the dramatic search for a dashiki in Week Six.

Oh, you already did. Never mind.

So, 12 were whittled down to 2, as is traditional. The two whittlees are James and Zara. Do they deserve to be there? Possibly, possibly not…but a Boris Johnson vs Her Royal Highness Princess Beatrice Elizabeth of York final is what Lord Sugar wanted, so it’s what we’ve got.

Tonight the Younglings have to design and market a ‘downloadable online game’. An app, in other words: calling to mind the dreadful, mutated creations peddled by Edna and the other Adult Apprentices last year.

But these are youngsters, after all. They’re hip, they’ve played not only Angry Birds, but Angry Birds Rio. They were weaned on the Cow and Gate Virtual Milk Game on the Playstation 28. They’ll create something worth buying, right? Right?

Ah, hang on. These are the same people who created Barbeque Chicken and Paella flavoured popcorn last week. All bets are off. They’ll probably create a game that breaks down the barriers between the Earth and Hell, ushering in the apocalypse. And what’s worse, they’ll charge £1.99 for it instead of the far more socially acceptable 69p…

See you at 9! Read more of this post

Young Apprentice Liveblog: Week Seven

It’s been nearly two months since the MiniApprenti first appeared on our screens. Here are the top five things we’ve learned so far:

1) That Madame Tussauds might be able to sculpt a perfectly accurate replica of Freddie Mercury, but for some reason they can’t make a replica left handed guitar. Or a watch.

2) That you can get spycams that fit in your bird box. No, your bird box. No, stop it…it’s not intended to…oh never mind.

3) That it’s a bad idea to name a skincare product Raw, or any other word that sounds like a rash. Which is also why Sure’s new ‘Stingslikehell for Men’ deodorant range was hastily recalled.

So, what will we learn today? Well, this week’s episode is called Popcorn, so I can only assume we’ll find out that it’s a bad idea to create a watermelon flavoured savoury snack food and choose ‘Salty Poison’ as a brand name.

See you at 9!

Read more of this post

Young Apprentice Liveblog: Week Six

Er, hi. Right, I’m pretty sure you’re the only stockist of top hats in London. No, no I haven’t done any research. Yes, I know this is Harrods. Look, can I just buy one please?

What do you mean, ‘that’ll be £5,000’? For a hat? Can’t we do a deal? I can offer you, er, £20. And this signed picture of Lord Sugar. Wait, don’t throw me out! I know you usually deal with the aristocracy, but I do have an extremely posh accent. My mum once met Camilla Parker Bowles.


Yes, hot on the heels of the traditionally silly ‘making an advert’ episode comes the almost-as-silly discount buying task. If previous years are anything to go by, our Apprentlings will roam the streets of London trying to work out what a ‘torque’ is, failing to comprehend that the docks are a cheaper place to buy fish than Kensington and generally making a proverbial monkey’s tit of, well, discount buying.

But hey, these are young people remember? They grew up with online shopping, Groupon vouchers and eBay. They know how to price comparisons and research, right? Right?

Oh, who are we kidding: they won’t have a bladdy clue. But it’ll still be fun to watch: and by ‘watch’ I of course mean ‘struggle to keep up with the action while frantically typing’.

I’ll be covering all the action from 9: don’t forget to refresh the page for updates and please do comment along- I get lonely.

Bye for now! Read more of this post

Young Apprentice Liveblog: Week Five

"What shall we call this deodorant?" "Lol U Smell" "I don't think that's a good name" "It's not a name".

Deodorant. Someone’s got to make it. The human race need to use it. If we didn’t, we’d smell like turnips, broth and wee like we did in the olden days.

But do there really need to be eleventy thousand different types? They all do the same thing, sealing up your salty pit-pores with a thick layer of (possibly carcinogenic) chemicals so Brian who you share an office with doesn’t think you’re a stinky minger.

There’s deodorant for men, for women, for teenagers, for your hoo-hah, for babies, the list is endless…

You’d think that the market was saturated with anti-sweat products, but Suralun disagrees.  this week (you’ve guessed it) the Apprentlings will have to design and market their own brand of smell repellent.

Might be tricky to find a gap in a market that already includes cat deodorant, but you know what they say: if you can’t take the heat, spray yourself with stuff that’ll seal every iota of sweat inside your body until you end up looking like a distressed water balloon and/or explode.

See you at 9!

9pm: Blah blah blah, teenagers, blah blah blah, all over the country, blah blah blah Britain’s brightest, blah blah blah this is not a talent show.

Yes it is. Lord Sir Alan is looking for talent, and this is a show. Someone should direct him to the Apprentice Wikipedia page.

We’re reminded that last week the young people went to an old people’s show to sell overpriced guff to the infirm: shopping trolleys, hairnets, catfood, new hips etc.

Lewis was fired, almost certainly because no one in London could understand his Scouse accent. They probably thought he was some kind of rare gull.

9.04pm The Youths have been summoned to Wembley stadium for what has to be the most tenuous Tenuous Briefing ever. “Yer in Wembley, and people get excited ‘ere, which results in an unpleasant byproduct”

What: Riots? Sectarian violence? Incontinence?

Oh, it’s sweat.

Zara is made Project Manager of either Kinetic or Atomic. Again, as I can’t remember which kind of energy she’s captaining I’m going to make it up. She’s henceforth in charge of Team Elastic Potential.

Harry M is in charge of the other team: Magnets. Read more of this post

Young Apprentice Liveblog: Week Four

Good evening chaps and chapesses, and welcome to our fourth Young Apprentice liveblog. Although it’s not our fourth, it’s our third: sorry about that. An Occurrence last week (with a capital O) meant the liveblog had to be cancelled. However, according to my sources, the third episode had something to do with flowers: I assume the tenuous briefing took place in a wheat mill.

But now we’re back and raring to go. Hannah got the boot last week: leaving Harry M free to fight another day. Although he’s posh, so he won’t fight.: he’ll just stay in the house like Field Marshal Douglas Haig, commanding the troops from several miles away and plotting to invade Amstrad’s Digital Signage division. Or something.

See you at 9!

9pm: Tonight the younglings will be selling to the ‘lucrative’ over-50s market. Hang on, are any markets not lucrative? If they weren’t, surely there wouldn’t be a market there.

“This is not a talent show”, says LordShugga  in the intro. Yes, Alan, it is. You’re confusing yourself with Jeremy Paxman again, aren’t you? For the last time, this isn’t Newsnight and the crying teenager in front of you isn’t Nick Griffin. Although he looks a bit like him.

9.03pm: They’re going to the Natural History museum for the tenuous briefing. History, yeah? That’s like, old stuff innit? Like, and people over 50 are like, well old? Hang on, I was joking but…no, surely not…Alan just mentioned fossils, then pointed at Nick. That’s not tenuous, it’s just extremely ageist. I’m having flashbacks to ‘Hip Replacement’ magazine from last series.


9.04pm: “I’ve laid on 8 suppliers”, says the Shug.

Um, didn’t they mind? Read more of this post

Young Apprentice Liveblog: Week Two

Hello, and welcome to our second Young Apprentice liveblog!

We’ll be following the antics of the mini-Apprentlings for the next seven weeks, and I’ll be trying my very best to be nice about them…they’re only youths, after all. The well behaved kind, that is, not the semi-imaginary, Daily-Mail-alarming ones who wear hoodies and hang around in underpasses threatening to nick your mobile .

Although this lot of mini-tycoons probably would steal your phone…then flog it back to you for a profit.

Last week, we experienced the ups and downs of the ice cream selling trade: mainly the downs, to be fair.  Even a jaunty straw hat couldn’t save fast talking Mahamed from getting the cold shoulder (sorry). Due to his youth he was whisked off in the lavish Rolls Royce of Not-Quite-Winning, rather than the tear-stained Taxi of Failure. It’s political correctness gone mad.

This time round, Lord Sugar has ‘laid on’ an opportunity for the remaining 11 contestants to design and pitch a new product for the lucrative parent and baby market.

Shouldn’t be too tricky for them: they’re only about four years old themselves. All they’ll need to do is cast their minds back a bit and try and remember if they ever heard their parents wishing aloud for a handy rucksack-that’s-also-a-changing-mat-with-wi-fi-functionality.

See you at 9!  Read more of this post

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