The Great Sport Relief Bake-Off

The Great Sport Relief Bake-Off  (BBC 2, all this week from 8pm) is the programme where Rufus Hound dresses up as Cheryl Cole and swims the channel with a tray of Belgian Buns for charity.

It isn’t?


In that case, this must be the charity special version of the wonderful Great British Bake-Off. Over the course of a week, twelve celebrities will be trying to impress the judges with their baking skills and Go That Extra Mile for Sport Relief.

First off though, there’s a shock. Tellysquawks favourite Sue Perkins is nowhere to be seen: Mel Giedroyc is presenting this on her own. Has Sue been locked in a basement somewhere (possibly by our Fritzlish, stalkery editor, @Hilary_W), or is she going to be getting all floury later on in the week? Either way, it’s a shock. Read more of this post


Catch up with….Garrow’s Law

Hello and welcome to Tellysquawks, your fun, light-hearted look at what’s been on TV this week. Today, we’ll be reviewing Episode 3 of Garrow’s Law, which featured as its main story the systematic state-sponsored torture, rape, mutilation and murder of the people of Trinidad.

It’s too difficult a job to do my usual attempt at a joke filled review – the episode was bleaker than a Morrissey biopic directed by Werner Herzog-  and what makes it worse is that this (or something very similar) actually happened to actual real people.

Fictional unpleasantness can be good fun, historical unpleasantness, less so.

The episode opened with Lady Sarah getting ready for her custody hearing at the Chancery court to try and win back baby Samuel from the clutches of the evil Sir Arthur. Her case was based on the flimsiest of precedent, so even with Mr Silvester acting as her advocate she was onto a loser – despite an impassioned plea from her that a baby should not just be property, and that a mother’s bond should give her rights beyond her husband.

The Chancery courts appear to be a Georgian version of The Jeremy Kyle Show – a public gawpfest where onlookers can  pass comment loudly and chunter away amongst themselves.  It does London of the 18th century a lot of credit that the people in Chancery generally have more teeth and brain cells than that of the guests on Jezza. Read more of this post

Garrow’s Law Series 2 Blog: Trouble at t’Mill

Blimey, there was a lot going on in this week‘s instalment of Olden Days Lawyer Person.

The episode opened with a gang of disaffected weavers (or Cutters, as they were known) storming a silk factory, beating up the owner, wrecking the looms and destroying the finished cloth.

It’s just like modern That London – except nobody painted #OccupySpitalfields on the wall.

Two are arrested and are hauled up before the beak on charges of breaking looms and cutting cloth – a capital offence.

Lady Sarah and Young Master Garrow are in financial difficulties, we can tell this because of a montage showing YMG working all hours in the Bailey to defend and prosecute, while being told off by his Lordship for eating cake. Read more of this post

Garrow’s Law – Episode 1




Changing the established social boundaries of Georgian England and introducing the adversarial trial system.


The last time we saw Young Master Garrow (Andrew Buchan), he had firmly established himself as London’s hottest thing on the barrister scene; saved some people from hanging who really didn’t deserve it; fought racism, injustice (and a pistol duel) and got off with a woman who was married to a Tory MP.

Except it wasn’t called ‘getting off’ back then, it was called “Criminal Conversation”  (a term now used exclusively for Piers Morgan’s chat show), but luckily for everyone YMG fought that case and was able to leave court arm in arm with Lady Sarah (Lyndsey Marshal) leaving her former husband, the conniving Sir Arthur Hill (Rupert Graves) standing looking like an X-Factor contestant passed over by Simon Cowell. Read more of this post

Celebrity Masterchef – The Final

I’ve missed two whole weeks of Masterchef, because I’ve been ill, busy and away and I didn’t set the video, so here’s a quick summary of what I assume I’ve missed:

  • Somebody cried
  • Somebody else cut themselves
  • Kirsty Wark appeared, and said “More on that dish later”
  • Dramatic music played
  • Somebody left
  • Somebody who didn’t deserve to go through, went through
  • Linda left
  • There was a task involving people going out into the wilds of nowhere and cooking three squirrels in a puddle.
  • Horrible mound of lard Charles Campion lumbered into the studio and turned his nose up at perfectly good food because it wasn’t 100% up to his usual standard, the sneering buffoon.
  • That nice Jay Rayner said things were fine, because he knows how to cook and has some empathy.
  • Finally, climatically, Kirsty Wark, Phil Vickery and Tony the chef off of Hollyoaks went through to…

MASTERCHEF, THE FINAL! Read more of this post

Celebrity Masterchef: Week… is it only three?

Don't let the toothy smile fool you: he's raging

It’s week three of Masterchef and John Torrode is in a bad mood. He prowled around the kitchen this week, not happy with anything, disagreeing with Gregg, stealing all of a sticky toffee pudding (not letting Gregg have any)  and generally not helping. It got so bad that afternoon viewers were treated to an Antipodean “Oh for fu…” before a handy cutaway saved us all from getting a telling off by the Daily Mail. Gregg tried to lighten the tone at one point saying “It’s a great combination – just like me and you, eh?” and he didn’t even let his eyes go smouldery. Poor old lad.

Anyway, cooking contest:

Colin and Justin of Colin and Justin fame have obviously been to Reality TV School. Their appearances on I’m a Celebrity and Coach Trip (not to mention presenting seemingly every decorating show on the telly) has shown them all of the tricks of helping a producer document their ‘journey’ through a series. At one point, we actually saw Justin pause on his way into the washing up area, calculating the best place to stand and look thoughtful. Read more of this post

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