The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 3: Outsauced

Jane attempts her first ever smile. And fails.

Where would we be without table sauce? We’ve been using it for thousands of years: the Romans even made one from pickled, rotten fish guts that makes Marmite look positively palatable in comparison.

However, from the panicked behaviour of the candidates throughout this week’s condiment-making task you’d have been forgiven for thinking they’d never heard of relishes, mustards and chutneys before. This was odd, given the enlightening dockside lecture about the history of the spice trade they’d been treated to at the initial briefing:

“One of the commodities that used to come into these docks, was things like cinnamon and saffron.”

Well, that’s cheating really; Lord Sugar practically did the work for them. On you go, teams, one lot of you can make saffron jam, the other- cinnamon ketchup.

Delicious.

In order to mix things up a bit (or create candidate chutney, if you will) Lord Sugar sent Nick and Duane over to Team Sterling, who have lost every task to date. Katie went over to Team Phoenix and was welcomed by a guffawing Adam:

“We do things differently here. Like winning. Ahaha.”

Adam has clearly never been introduced to the concepts of a) hubris b) foreshadowing c) the phrases ‘pride goes before a fall’ or ‘famous last words’ and d) not being a smug git.

Over in Team Sterling, perennially frustrated ‘food professional’ Jane was quick to jump into the fray with a lecture on healthy eating; telling her team mates that the chutney market in the UK is very crowded and also any product with more than 73g per 100g of salt wouldn’t be allowed on sale.

The result? Sterling decided to make a ‘luxury’ (read: gloopily unhealthy) chutney. Luckily for her, Jane had already set her expression in a droopy pout before finding out she’d been overruled, so at least she didn’t have to waste any energy changing it.

In contrast, Team Phoenix decided to go with a ‘Mediterranean’ inspired tomato sauce (read: ketchup with flecks of basil). Instead of playing it safe and calling it ‘Foreign Sauce: Tastes A Bit Like Abroad’, they decided to name their product Belissimo, which means absolutely nothing at all in Italian.

Bellissimo, on the other hand, means something along the lines of ‘very very beautiful’. But – and apologies if you’re someone who is physically attracted to sauces- that wasn’t a particularly sensible name either, so it’s possibly for the best that they misspelled it.

Possibly.

For all that Phoenix weren’t terribly good at creating a brand, they were quite good at creating a product: even if it did look a little bit like bottled scrapings from a slaughterhouse floor.

Team Sterling weren’t quite so fortunate, partially because whiny-faced Jane wasted a lot of time wrangling over the recipe (‘I’m a food professional‘) and partially because they put so much chilli in their pineapple chutney that it was reclassified as a chemical weapon and confiscated by UN inspectors.

Ok, that’s an exaggeration. But they certainly couldn’t take it to the trade pitches Lord Sugar had ‘laid on’ for them (is there anything in the UK that he hasn’t reclined against?), leading to an extremely entertaining scene that saw Team Sterling attempting to pitch an invisible product to a deeply unimpressed panel.

Emperor’s New Chutney, anyone?

Despite that- fairly massive- setback, they rallied and managed to produce some spicy yellow goo to sell to the general public. And they were fairly successful, despite their repeated assertions to buyers that they ‘only used locally sourced, British ingredients’.

Apprentice Chutney: pick up a jar from your friendly, neighbourhood pineapple farm today.

At the same time, Team Never-Lose were struggling as they hadn’t made enough of their congealed tomato-cement product. The solution? They increased the price to £3.95 a bottle.

Unsurprisingly- as the sauce didn’t come with a free car- they failed to sell enough, handing Team Sterling a fairly easy win.

Poor Katie was dragged back into the boardroom by Ricky: looks like she picked the wrong week to join the boys. Luckily for her, Lord Sugar couldn’t forgive Michael’s poor efforts on the sales sub-team so he got the chop.

A bit unfair really: the other team had far more to sell in the first place. Michael would never have been able to ketchup (sorry).

—————————————————————————————————-
The Apprentice is on BBC1, Wednesdays at 9pm. You can ketchup on iPlayer here

Related posts:

Apprentice Series 8, Episode 1
Apprentice Series 8, Episode 2
What The Apprentice Winners Did Next

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

8 Responses to The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 3: Outsauced

  1. Ian Dunn says:

    Adam is rapidly ascending my ‘most annoying apprentice candidates ever’ list. He is awful. On the other hand, despite her unfortunate dress sense and grating manner I’m warming to Jane a bit. If nothing else at least she’s upfront about how much she dislikes the other candidates, which shows a small modicum of sense.

    • Hilary Wardle says:

      She looks at them like they’re made from pineapples, ginger and too much chilli. “FILTH”, she seems to say. With her eyes.

  2. Benjamin says:

    Great review. Amusing as always.
    In fact, I think these days I only watch the show to laugh about it on the Guardian blog and in reviews like this. 😀
    Just like to point out that Katie was team leader though so technically she dragged Ricky into the boardroom.

    • ddjjbb says:

      I think that is the reason why any of us watch it.

    • Hilary Wardle says:

      SIgh. I actually thought that at first, but talked myself out of it. “Surely Katie wouldn’t have put herself forward. No one would opt to be Captain of what was clearly the Titanic”

      I was wrong.

  3. ddjjbb says:

    Saffron Jam? As Saffron is more expensive than gold whoever would have gone with that idea would have lost straight away, especially the way that lot were chucking ingredients around. One lot had to throw out a whole batch while the other team poured most of theirs over themselves and the entire surrounding area.
    BTW, a) b) c) and d) had me in stitches. Every series has it’s knob-jockey and Adam’s it this time round.

  4. chocbutton says:

    Gee I wonder if everyone had the (mis)fortune of trying these new sauces? Coming to a cafe near you…Belissimo – the Italian but not really Italian/Mediterrean/Common table sauce/Red gunk/Pepper/ sauce. Mmm….

    http://chocbutton.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/the-apprentice-series-8-episode-3/

  5. Pingback: The Apprentice Series 8, Episode 4: Only Fools and Gift Horses « TV Jam

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