Prisoners’ Wives Series Blog: Series One Finale

A baby? Blimey, she kept that one quiet.

It’s the series finale and Gemma’s confused.

One minute she’s telling Andy she’ll withdraw her statement, the next she’s agreeing to continue helping the police. Only she doesn’t quite get the whole witness protection thing. “When do I get to move back? After the trial?”

Have you never seen Goodfellas, Gem? You’re on a one way ticket to egg noodles and ketchup town now.

Elsewhere, in a highly competitive game of prison tag team, Sean’s been released just as Lou’s on her way in. But before she goes they get to have ’48 Hours of Fun’ together. Frankly, it’s not a patch on last week’s shindig at the prison, and consists of playing football and snogging on the patio, while Harriet cooks them all a fish pie. There’s not even a mention of pudding.

Fran’s off to Robin Hood Airport, because she’s got a big bag of money arriving on the 14.12 from Palma De Mallorca. Previously, her PWAG responsibilities only extended as far as fancy biscuits and turning a blind eye. However, since the bailiffs got to him, Paul doesn’t feel he can trust anyone but his missus. This means that she’ll have to start getting her hands dirty.

On the bright side, she’ll have plenty of cash for manicures.

To celebrate her windfall, Fran has a blow dry and treats the kids to a chippy tea and a bottle of cava. Her dad remains unimpressed. “It’s unearnt, and it’s evil.” He’s right too, not that she’ll listen. In fact it’s not until angry criminals trash the house and beat him up that she realises she’s been a bit silly. It’s a subdued ending for Fran: standing in the middle of the street feeling guilty. But her hair looks good with it.

Gemma’s hanging out at an undisclosed hotel based location and isn’t at all happy about it. She hasn’t got her phone, or any clean knickers, for crying out loud! Lovely Detective Hunter promises to bring her some, and duly arrives the next morning clutching a grubby white carrier bag. But, luckily for us all, psycho Andy starts shooting at Gemma before the results of this particular shopping challenge are unveiled.

While being pursued through the market, Gem’s waters break (yep, turns out she was pregnant. Who knew!) So naturally she runs to the basement toilet. “It’s ok, I don’t want to make a fuss. I’ll just pop down this dark staircase and give birth inside a cubicle. I’ll be back in a bit to mop up your floor.”

Gemma, there’s a man with a gun chasing you. You’re in labour. Have you never seen an old lady fall down in the street? Attention magnet. There’s nothing strangers love more than a bit of publicly administered first aid. He won’t be able to shoot you if you’re surrounded by Casualty fans!

Besides which, he’s fired through your hotel window and has a history of human trafficking and murder. He’s hardly likely to respect the boundaries of a ladies only toilet sign.

Andy tracks Gemma down, mainly using the ‘follow the noise of the woman giving birth’ tactic. But he’s interrupted from doing anything sinister by some girls bursting into the loo to reapply their eyeliner. Andy slinks off, only to be cornered and arrested on the roof by a 24 style sea of agents. It’s all very dramatic.

48 hours of fun later, Lou is sent down for six months. But it’s really ok. Sean’s going to stay with Mason and ‘Granny Harry’ (cute!) until he finds his feet. And, in a flash forward to visiting hour with Sean as the PWAG and Lou in the netball vest, they all look super happy. Without the pressured web of imaginary football stadium lies, they have more time to eat crisps and talk about dinosaurs. What a nice family.

Before she gets locked up, Lou (undoubtedly the winner of most improved character of the series) also gives Harriet the world’s most effective pep talk, which results in Harriet getting stoned in the sunshine with her neighbour and snogging a vicar. So, happy endings all round then. Sort of.

Gemma takes her brand new baby to prison to visit his dad, in an exchange that goes something like this:

Steve: What are we going to call him?
Gemma: I haven’t decided yet.
Steve: That’s a shit name, how about Steve Junior…oh.

Turns out she’s not coming back. She’s had the baby, sorted her hair out, and borrowed quite a hefty amount of eyeliner from one of those girls who inadvertently saved her life in the toilets. She’s not confused anymore, and she’s taken official PWAG retirement.

Maybe it was pregnancy brain all along.

Mason deception of the week: When Lou sits down to tell Mason she’s ‘going away’ he’s wearing his Sheffield United top in an act of ‘go on, try me’ defiance. So she tells him the truth. That kid’s come far.

Fran one-liner of the week: (surveying Gemma in a heap of postnatal blood stained toilet cubicle) “This part of your birth plan, eh? It’s alright; you did it. Clever girl.” Not fair, I want a Fran hug!

Lessons of the series: Kids know more about sports stadium architecture than you might think. Drugs are bad. Always listen to your dad, and never take a flapjack to visiting hour. Stay safe out there.

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Related posts:

Prisoners’ Wives Series Blog: Episode One
Prisoners’ Wives Series Blog: Episode Two
Prisoners’ Wives Series Blog: Episode Three
Prisoners’ Wives Series Blog: Episode Four
Prisoners’ Wives Series Blog: Episode Five

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7 Responses to Prisoners’ Wives Series Blog: Series One Finale

  1. Paul says:

    I think I’ll miss these blogs more than the show.

    • Kate says:

      How nice! Meanwhile I’ll just be wandering around muttering “Mrs Brittas” at anyone who’ll listen.

  2. sophie says:

    is there going to be a second sieries ause the could do the trail and fran and stuff but b then gemma not visiting any more lou in prison sean out so it less prioner wives now

  3. sophie says:

    oh and dude became a musium did not see that coming

  4. Pingback: Prisoners’ Wives – Episode 6 Press reviews & ratings « Jonas Armstrong Blog

  5. juditanne says:

    Loving your blogs – so hilarious and now word has come through a second season has been commissioned. Fantastic work!

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