Prisoners’ Wives Series Blog: Episode 3
February 15, 2012 8 Comments
After a difficult second episode, it’s fair to say PWAGs knocked it out of the park this week. Officially, this is Harriet’s episode. Unofficially this is ‘PWAGs do Charlie’s Angels with added drugs, fighting and Medieval History’.
We were also treated to the full Harriet/Mrs Brittas back story. She’s dull. Her life is dull. Her husband is dead, she sleeps with her dog (not like that) and eats Ryvita for her dinner.
She wears old lady clothes, her bras could do with replacing and she never ever washes her hair. Oh, and her next door neighbour sits in the garden smoking roll ups. A lot. Remember that.
Kevin, her son, has been locked up because of her. He fell in with the wrong crowd, as teens will. She dobbed his shady new mates in to the police, as interfering parents will. Only when they came over, the coppers found a gun in young Kev’s room: he was looking after it for someone. Well, duh! Everyone (who watches PWAGs) knows you’re meant to hide your guns in the biscuit tin of your caravan. Focus, people!
So now Kevin’s the victim of a prison protection racket, and Harriet simply needs to smuggle in some drugs to keep him alive. It’s ok though, as it’s ‘just a bit of cannabis’. Hmmm…
How would a middle class, middle aged woman who spends her life talking to her dog go about buying drugs? Well, she’d drive to the nearest tower block and ask a shady ‘youth gang’, obviously. So that’s exactly what she does. Bless. She hands over a wad of cash to N-Dubz, who stroll off promising her gear and- entirely predictably- are never heard from again.
Luckily she has a super polite student living next door who conveniently SMOKES WEED ALL DAY. He’s more than happy to oblige, and throws in some Battle of Hastings chit chat for freebies. It’s all very jolly.
In other PWAG news, Fran is sad this week. She’s lost her mansion, but had to keep the ridiculous family portrait that was hanging over the fireplace. Also, she’s discovered that when they don’t all live in separate wings of the house her kids are obnoxious little shits. And yet another problem- she has to go and suck up to her dad (who she fell out with when she married into the mob) because she’s all out of money.
Luckily for us, her dad is awesome. He’s one of those modern old people who know about fist bumps and Twitter. Plus, it pains me to report that his one liners put his daughter to shame. I love you Franny, and I know it’s been a tough week, but I don’t like it when you mope around not wearing any makeup. Pull your finger out.
For example, Gemma manages a full face of make up even though she’s eight months pregnant and having a really crappy day. She gets felt up twice, once by her horny convict husband (who genuinely uses the term ‘bow chicka wow wow’), then by the sleazy head teacher at her school. Grim. Plus, she can’t have a bath because there’s no hot water, then when she goes to visit her husband’s partner she discovers their business is actually a front for a hooky DVD producing sweatshop. Uh oh.
Gem goes home to the house that piracy built, has a cry, smashes the Matrix box set and tells the police everything.
But back to Harriet the mule, and the amazing last ten minutes. She manages to pop a drug filled johnny out of its, ahem, ‘hiding place’, right there in the middle of the visiting room. She passes it to Kevin, somehow undetected by CCTV, and it’s all looking a bit slick and un-Brittas.
All Kev has to do is swallow the thing and they’re home free. Unfortunately Kevin’s gag reflex has other ideas. Probably because a) it’s roughly the size of a heavy flow tampon and b) it’s just come out of his mum’s vagina.
His body’s natural reaction is, quite rightly, to choke to death. But before you can say Prisoners’ Wives, Fran’s delivered a Heimlich karate chop to back, saving his life, and helpful Lou’s secretly pocketed the drugs.
One strip search later and Harriet’s free to go…directly to the waiting room to be confronted by the wife of the prison racket leader. Needless to say, this PWAG doesn’t take too kindly to someone dissing her man and soon introduces Harriet’s face to her locker. The scrapping continues on the floor until Lou saves the day, again, by wading in and thwacking the baddie PWAG around the face.
Last week I said I wasn’t sure I like Lou. This week I’m a little bit in love with her.
Fran and Lou are both super nice to Harriet and get their fellas to stop anyone else from chinning her son. How sweet is that?! Their outside worlds are colliding almost enough to draw a chart! Shall I draw a chart? I’m definitely going to draw a chart for next week.
Mason deception of the week
Mason (noticing a quivering Harriet in the road side): “Look mummy, it’s that lady from daddy’s work.”
Yeah, I suppose she does have the look of a major shareholder.
Fran one liner of the week
“Jesus, Lauren! What are you? A ninja?”
Fran’s dad one liner of the week
“How do Franny? Wanna be careful in them. T’isn’t the catwalk in Milan- it’s just me path. Full of holes, like the rest of the country. I’ll get kettle on shall I?”
Prisoner’s Wives is on BBC1, Tuesdays at 9pm. You can catch up on iPlayer here