Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Candidate Preview

Lavish idiot-mansion

Celebrity Big Brother starts tonight at 9pm on Channel 5.

It doesn’t seem like a full year since it was last on our screens, mainly because it hasn’t been: Paddy ‘Gypsy Wedding’ Doherty was only crowned King of the Idiots in September 2011.

For some unknown reason, the blogowebsiteospherething is abuzz with rumour and intrigue: everyone from the Guardian to the Mail to the bloke in the chip shop down the road from you is wondering aloud which dreary Z-listers (and token incongruous B-lister who’s down on their luck) will be gracing the red-and-beige Gobshite Palace this year.

But you don’t have to wait any longer: we have an exclusive! Yes, Tellysquawks have been allowed to leak the candidate line up early as we hacked into Channel 5 boss Richard Desmond’s phone and found some (censored) of (censored) with a (censored) and three Bolivian nuns.

So, without further ado, here’s the line up for 2012:

Booby Sexsmith

Artist's impression

Booby is a quarter time barmaid and part time television presenter on Babestation. She doesn’t remember what her natural hair colour is, but according to childhood photos thinks that it was ‘probably blue’.

In 2009, she reportedly had an affair with the entire cast of Hollyoaks, an accusation that led to them taking out a superinjunction so powerful it destroyed their very existence, leading to celebrations across the UK until they controversially relaunched the programme with an all-midget cast in 2010.

Voted candidate most likely to…

Put a wine bottle up her bottom.


Zangief from Street Fighter 2

 Famously suspended from street fighting due to excessive steroid use, Zangief has a lot to prove. He describes himself as:

‘Я большой человек, как медведь! Я не люблю Jedward. Они лучше не быть вдоме, или я раздавить их, как камень. Или избили их, как я сделал на этотавтомобиль в бонус стадию. Помните, что?’

Which roughly translates as:

‘I am big man like bear! I do not like Jedward. They had better not be in the house or I will crush them like stone. Or beat them up like I did to that car in the bonus stage. Remember that?’

Voted candidate most likely to…

Insist they spend the entire shopping budget on eggs, a home gym and glucosamine supplements.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 

Photo of Roy Keane substituted for legal reasons

Less popular than ever in his home nation of Iran, Ahmadinejad is hoping he’ll win back some support- or at the very least a lucrative panto slot in Brighton- by appearing on Celeb BB. He applied last year but was told he was ‘less likeable than Jedward’. However, thanks to the latter’s excessive media exposure, this has now changed, with Jedward slipping down to third place.

They’re now slightly less popular than the corpse of Osama Bin Laden.

Ahmadinejad hopes that… ‘the British public will realise I am a good man. A friendly man. A man with a beard. Everyone likes beards! I am like Santa!  Ha Ha Ha. Ho Ho Ho. Also, did I mention that the holocaust didn’t happen?’

Voted candidate most likely to…

Be evicted for enriching uranium in the bathroom

Wilson the Butler from the Broom Cupboard

Edd: seconds from disaster

Absent from our screens for nearly 23 years due to the now-notorious incident where he bit the head off Edd the Duck in front of a horrified Andy Crane live on CBBC, the aging manservant has recently made a minor comeback.

He appeared as Carson’s stunt arm in the Christmas special of Downton Abbey to rave reviews: it seems the public are willing to forgive his duck-maiming past…although possibly not the subsequent incident where he drunkenly broke into the Going Live studio after being fired and interrupted the Thundercats credits by waving his disembodied penis around.

Voted candidate most likely to…

Have a very public breakdown and scrawl ‘FoRgIVe Me!’ in childish capitals across the kitchen table.


Jurichard: just before the stitches were removed

In an attempt to cash in on the ‘success’ of Jedward, in November 2011 Richard and Judy decided to officially conjoin and become ‘Jurichard’: a move that instantly backfired when the woman Richard was having an affair with came to visit him in hospital immediately after the surgery.

The couple decided to divorce in December, but sadly there’s no way doctors can seperate them as they share a single career and neither would survive without it.

Judy is forced to simply close her eyes when Richard’s girlfriend Booby comes round for sex, whereas Richard has reportedly been driven close to suicide by his f0rmer wife’s insistence on watching 12 hour marathons of Cash in the Attic while weeping.

Voted candidate most likely to…

Not put a wine bottle up their bottom. They don’t have one any more: it was accidentally sewn up by a confused surgeon.

And finally…Edd the Duck

In a move certain to inflame tensions in the house, producers have reanimated Edd’s corpse and plan to send him in last in a blatant attempt to tip Wilson over the edge. But what Edd doesn’t know is that Gordon the Gopher was recently released from the prison in Thailand he’s been in for the last 19 years for drug smuggling offences he incurred in the early 90s.

Rumour has it that Edd convinced him to smuggle the gear: looks like that head won’t stay on for long.

Voted candidate most likely to….

Oh, who cares.


Celebrity Big Brother 2012 starts tonight, 9pm, Channel 5. 

For legal reasons we have to point out that this is all, of course, completely made up. Apart from the bit about Gordon the Gopher.


About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

2 Responses to Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Candidate Preview

  1. Pingback: Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Candidate ‘Preview’ « Tellysquawks | Ekum News Blog

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