American Horror Story Series Blog – Episode 7 – Open House

It is a sad day when a man’s penis being bitten off doesn’t elicit much of a reaction, but that’s the stage we’re now at with American Horror Story.

The producers’ addiction to the ‘shocking’ means it was inevitable a member would be munched upon at some stage, so when it finally happened it didn’t seem surprising at all.

This was an episode that focused on exposition rather than delivering much in the way of the usual horror thrills, but it just about got away with it thanks to a fun B-plot featuring Constance, Burnt Face Man, two natured maid Moria and an Armenian property developer so loathsome he made the Kardashians look like the Mandelas.

It turns out that a pre-burnt Burnt Face Man was the lover of Constance. For some unknowable, mysterious reason, the social services were trying to take away Constance’s severely deformed child, Beau, who she kept chained up in the attic.  She asked Burny McOwface to kill Beau, because if he died in the murder house he’d become a ghost and Constance could be with him forever.

Burnt Face Man did the deed, then his own wife killed herself and their children in a fire, hence the burning.

It’s all pretty much standard stuff that anyone in a relationship will understand. In fact, I’m almost certain there was a recent episode of Jeremy Kyle called You Killed My Severely Disabled Child So He Could Live On As A Ghost Then Your Wife Killed Herself In A Fire And You Ended Up With A Burnt Face.

It had fat people in it.

As usual, the best thing about the episode was Jessica Lange (Constance), although Denis O’Hare (Burnt Man) got some nice back and forth scenes.

O’Hare is a very able scenery chewer, and as the only person in the cast capable of giving a performance as BIG as Lange, their screentime together was good campy fun: as we see in the modern day, when the Harmons seem to be on the verge of selling the house to a sleazy (i.e. foreign) property developer.

Sample dialogue from the Armenian:  ‘The only things women are good for are making sex, money and sandwiches’.

Once Constance discovers the developer’s plan to tear down the murder house (thus depriving her of access to her ghost children) she swings into action. Does she file a planning complaint? Get people to fill in a petition? Hold a fundraiser?

No. Of course not. She has the sexy ghost bite off the his winkie, before Burnt Face Man bashes his head in with a shovel while she looks on, smoking and smirking: Smirkoking.

‘I love it with when a plan comes together.’

A remake of the A-team with Jessica Lange as Murdoch would be the best thing ever.

The more time we spend  with Constance and pals, the more it underlines that even the writers are bored of the Harmon family.

This week, Dad Harmon once again showed why he is the world’s worst therapist by asking his mentally ill patient to keep tabs on his daughter, who is ‘evolving’ to the point that can see ghosts. Oh, and Mum Harmon is starting to remember  that she got raped by a ghost gimp. Incidentally- she’s having twins.

In the closing scene, Mum Harmon finally realised that there are ghosts in the house, a revelation that’ll take us into the final run of episodes, which are sure to be about as low key and subtle as a house falling on a an elephant. An elephant with custard inside it. And the custard is on fire. And Batman is there for some reason.

Weird ‘Ryan Murphy Hates Pregnancy’ moment of the week

In a flashback to the first family to live in the house we discovered that the doctor husband had brought their child back from the dead. However the baby came back ‘wrong’ and when the  mother tried to nurse the child, it bit her breast off. Nice.

Awesome Constance moment of the week.

‘The kiddies must just scatter like buggies when you walk down the street’, she tells the profoundly burnt man. I never said she was nice. Just awesome.

Genuine Fright of the Week

Constance’s monster child in the attic was pretty damn unsettling *shudders*.


American Horror Story is on FX, Mondays at 10pm

You can follow Ian Dunn on Twitter here


About Ian Dunn
I love avocados, WH Auden and dinosaurs but I don't like effort.

5 Responses to American Horror Story Series Blog – Episode 7 – Open House

  1. Jessica Lange is the best reason to tune in really. In fact I’m increasing approaching the rest of the show like an advert break I can’t skip, as if the telly-box is broken, between scenes she’s in.

  2. Pingback: American Horror Story Series Blog: Episode 8- Rubber Man « Tellysquawks

  3. Pingback: American Horror Story Series Blog – Episode 9 – Spooky Little Girl « Tellysquawks

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