Young Apprentice Liveblog: Week Four

Good evening chaps and chapesses, and welcome to our fourth Young Apprentice liveblog. Although it’s not our fourth, it’s our third: sorry about that. An Occurrence last week (with a capital O) meant the liveblog had to be cancelled. However, according to my sources, the third episode had something to do with flowers: I assume the tenuous briefing took place in a wheat mill.

But now we’re back and raring to go. Hannah got the boot last week: leaving Harry M free to fight another day. Although he’s posh, so he won’t fight.: he’ll just stay in the house like Field Marshal Douglas Haig, commanding the troops from several miles away and plotting to invade Amstrad’s Digital Signage division. Or something.

See you at 9!

9pm: Tonight the younglings will be selling to the ‘lucrative’ over-50s market. Hang on, are any markets not lucrative? If they weren’t, surely there wouldn’t be a market there.

“This is not a talent show”, says LordShugga  in the intro. Yes, Alan, it is. You’re confusing yourself with Jeremy Paxman again, aren’t you? For the last time, this isn’t Newsnight and the crying teenager in front of you isn’t Nick Griffin. Although he looks a bit like him.

9.03pm: They’re going to the Natural History museum for the tenuous briefing. History, yeah? That’s like, old stuff innit? Like, and people over 50 are like, well old? Hang on, I was joking but…no, surely not…Alan just mentioned fossils, then pointed at Nick. That’s not tenuous, it’s just extremely ageist. I’m having flashbacks to ‘Hip Replacement’ magazine from last series.

Sigh.

9.04pm: “I’ve laid on 8 suppliers”, says the Shug.

Um, didn’t they mind?

9.06pm: The teams have to set up stalls at some kind of show that attracts old people: didn’t quite catch the details. A show that attracts over 50s…hmm, it’s either a Beatles tribute band or Coronation Street.

James (who earlier said he doesn’t like either Nature or History, just money. He makes me want to self-harm) puts himself forward as project manager. Haya takes the lead for the other team: not sure whether it’s Kinetic or Atomic, so I’m going to rename both teams after alternative forms of energy….

Team Natural Gas go in to look at pie making machines: like toastie makers but without the bread. James says they’re proper ace, then comes out to say directly to camera that he lied and he doesn’t want a pie maker after all and he doesn’t even like them. What a cad! If I wasn’t being nice about the candidates (which I am) I might suggest that he does look a bit like someone who might like pie makers.

9.11pm: Hayley and Harry from Team Coal go and look at a bird camera. It’s a tiny spycam you put in your garden nest box and its amazing, like Bird Big Brother. As Harry and Hayley watch, two blue tits get into a massive argument over who used the last of the shopping budget to buy eggs before realising they are, in fact, theirs.

9.15pm: The other half of Team Natural Gas go to look at something that costs over £100 that a dog doesn’t like. Sorry, I skipped over to the Twitter for a minute so I didn’t catch what it was: possibly a very expensive cat. Karren Brady says they’re being dim: exhibition based sales are impulse buys, apparently. And no one impulse buys an expensive cat, or an electric collar, or a recording of someone shooting a dog or whatever it was.

Hmm, might actually be an inflatable dog shower, come to think of it.

9.17pm: In the car, Gbemi says she thinks that kind of price is ok, because, you know, old people don’t see the point of saving any more. Because they’re old.

I have no words…

9.19pm: Harry and Hayley are checking out cushion with a hole in the middle. Apparently it’s a ‘travel pillow’: I can only imagine ‘travel’, in this instance, is a euphemism for ‘piles’.

9.20pm: Haya (Team Coal) wants to go with the pie maker. As mentioned previously, it’s like a toastie-sandwich maker but you put pastry in it. Sorry, but pies really aren’t hard to make: it’s the pastry and filling that are the pains in the arse (sorry to hark back to the pile-pillow) If all you had to do is throw some beef and flour at it, shut the lid and wait half an hour it’d be worth £27.

But you don’t, so it’s not.

9.22pm: They’re on their way to the ‘Fifty Plus’ show at Kensington Olympiad. Shame: I was hoping they’d end up in the Rovers Return flogging pie makers to Beatles impersonators.

“Good morning! Can we introduce you to our new pie maker?!” say Team Coal.

Pie maker- old person. Old person- piemaker.

Haya states she’s decided to sell it for more than the RRP. So, ripping off the elderly. That’s what this has come to….tsk.

9.24pm: James from Team Natural Gas is flogging £125 shopping trolleys to the vulnerable and confused. He seems to be doing an good job, bafflingly. Although to be fair I’ve never seen anyone over 80 without one…and I’ve never seen any in a shop. I suppose old-people conventions must be the only places you can buy them.

9.26pm: Harry and Hannah over at Team Coal are trying to flog their ‘Springwatch: Big Brother’ twitcher-cams, but doing it in an increasingly ridiculous and unethical way. “They’re £125 now, but we’ll be putting it up to £35,000 in about half an hour QUICK BUY IT QUICK you never know what birds might be saying about you behind your back.”

9:30pm: James is still trying to push his ‘designer’ shopping trolley. Sorry…designer? It’s a bag on wheels.

Lizzie and Harry H are doing a much better job with their mini vacuum cleaner: ‘just’ £39.99. They’ve not negotiated a discount with the supplier but that doesn’t seem to matter as the punters love them- they’re selling out. They’re reacting to a mini hoover like it’s a hoverbike: are the aged unfamiliar with the advances in cleaning technology that have taken place since  the ‘hoduhduhduh‘?

9.36pm: The Boardroom. Suralun asks Haya about her decision to sell the piemakers above RRP and says she’ll have the ‘Office of Fair Trading’ after her. She shrugs. If only he’d said ‘the old people themselves will come after you, smelling like old pies and waving mini vacuum cleaners threateningly’. Actually, she’d probably still shrug.

She’s probably impervious to any criticism that isn’t delivered via sarcastic Facebook comments.

9.39pm: Team Natural Gas (James) are criticised for their failure to negotiate a discount on the mini-vacs. But didn’t they see? It didn’t matter. They were MAGICAL.

And it made over a grand, too. They win…or ‘they cleaned up’, as Karren would have it. Oh, she’s such a wag.

The ‘prize’ is a trip in one of the London Eye pods while a magician does tricks at them. Hmm, confined space, group of youngsters, strange man with rabbits down his trousers? Let’s hope he’s been CRB checked.

9.40pm: Argh, it’s even worse: the guy looks like a tracksuit-wearing murderer the producers found wandering the streets. I suspect they’ll disembark to find their wallets, purses and solid gold Argos/Elizabeth Duke sovereign jewellery has been ‘magicked’ away. And/or replaced with rabbits.

9.44pm: Back in the boardroom, Alan asks Harry why they decided to sell birdcam at £125 when they could have sold it more competitively at £79.99. Hmm, isn’t the point to make money, Big Al? I doubt you ever said ‘Why are we selling this e-m@iler at £38738? They only cost £1 to make. Sell them for £1.50!”

Harry claims he set the initial price high so he could negotiate. He also thought they’d be better off with the shopping trolley, but they lost out on that as the manufacturer thought Lewis’s questions about wind were odd. You know, because whether a bag is weatherproof is entirely irrelevant. Doesn’t matter if it sends your hairnets and catfood flying across Deptford high street- it’s DESIGNER.

The birdcam sold well at a trade show, apparently. But they weren’t at a trade show, they were at AgedFest 2011. They were lucky to sell 5, according to Lord S.

Lewis abruptly turns round and starts blaming Hayley for sales, but is told to pipe down as apparently she sold more than him. Despite that, Haya decides to bring back Lewis and Hayley.

Harry lives to be posh at people another day, as he did a good job selling overpriced birdcams to people who are too techno-illiterate to realise the RSPB have far more interesting (and free) webcams on their website: http://www.rspb.org.uk/webcams/ we’re talking sea-eagles, dragons, great auks etc. rather than sparrows, rats and pigeons.

9.52pm: Lewis is being blamed for ‘losing’ the designer trolley. Presumably it blew away in the wind.

Alan says he admires Lewis’s bubbly enthusiasm but he talks too much. He should ‘pie-pe’ down, presumably (sorry). Hayley doesn’t talk enough. Haya wasn’t willing to move on her determination to get the piemaker and the loss of the designer trolley compounded the issue. He feints left, then right, then left again, before finally firing…

LEWIS!

Tsk. That’s a shame, he was a nice little fella: I’m sure he has a bright future ahead of him as a…er…um….

Oh who are we kidding: he’s heading back to Liverpool. They don’t even film Richard and Judy there anymore- although Lewis would have made a great replacement for Fred on his weather map:

“So, we’ve got some wind coming in from the East. Anyone who’s recently bought a ‘designer’ shopping trolley from a young man with Boris Johnson hair should watch out”.

——————————————–

Well, that’s enough pubescent haggling for one week. Thanks for reading, as ever. You can follow me on Twitter-  @Hilary_W and don’t forget to follow Tellysquawks too.

Night all!

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

24 Responses to Young Apprentice Liveblog: Week Four

  1. I’m so excited I have literally sprouted heliconiums. Er… Heliconia?

  2. Natural History Museum! Are they going to have to run a Jurassic Park-style genetics-driven theme park?

  3. Mads says:

    As one of the eight suppliers Alan Sugar has laid on this week, may I just say that it is totally worth the fee.

  4. Mads says:

    Though his beard got in my eye.

  5. Mads says:

    … and someone being a virgin is no reason not to let him be project leader.

  6. Electric pie maker? Would it be able to make a traditionally British pie… like, perhaps, a Columbus pie?

    • Hilary Wardle says:

      Ha! I’d forgotten about that: there’s nothing more British than a Spanish explorer. Perhaps they meant Columbo?

  7. Wonderful insights into the behaviour of the old. Why save, you’re practically all corpses anyway?

  8. Not your conventional shopping trolley? Four wheels? Separate section for chilled goods? I’d say that is a very conventional shopping trolley, of the supermarket species.

  9. Perhaps people over 50 love freebies because they’ve already squandered all their money in preparation for their impending deaths? Am I banging on about that?

  10. Harry pitching camera birdbox to Cannon & Ball. Gosh, they look old now…

  11. To the Ball Pool de Fail…

  12. Magicians who don’t hurl fireballs and lightning bolts just don’t impress me, I’m afraid.

  13. Poor little Lewis, as I patronisingly said a few minutes ago. I seem to have forgotten that he’s not six.

  14. Hilary Wardle says:

    Hee- great comments as ever. @Nathan Baboonicorn- isn’t it against ‘elf and safety to hurl fireballs in a tiny London Eye pod?

  15. Fiona Mayhem says:

    I have just popped by to thank you for the gap in the market you have opened up. I have seen the terrible ads for Cash 4 Gold, but Duke 4 Rabbits seems to be a much more appealing option. Old tat for cute wikkle bunnies. And if you get really cash strapped, they make a lovely pie.

  16. Tim says:

    Good to see the liveblog back!

    Lewis had to go, really. Other than being enthusiastic and a nice chap, he was pretty useless. I hate to say it, but it really is starting to look as if Harry M (Brother of Boney) might well win, isn’t it? If we thought he was arrogant and intolerable before, what will he be like if he actually wins?

    I’ve attached a link to my post-programme thoughts here. Lots of words, but hopefully a bit less waffle than Lewis:
    http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2011/11/15/young-apprentice-selling-to-the-over-50s-isnt-as-easy-as-pie/

  17. Sheri says:

    Please don’t anyone tell my other half about the piemaker, or I know what I’ll be getting for Christmas. *hides Lakeland catalogue*

  18. Pingback: Young Apprentice Liveblog: Week Seven « Tellysquawks

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