Catch up with…Big Brother

Some idiots drinking or being sick or something.

There’s less than three weeks to go before Big Brother is over, and it’s currently trundling to a sad dismal mess of a conclusion.

Amid failing ratings the producers seem to have decided to turn the show into a seemingly endless series of incidents of suffering for the people’s champ: grumpy love dwarf Aaron.

Having successfully dispatched his chief nemesis (the odious Anton Murphy) and his attendant wolfpack last week- not to mention repeatedly winning the public vote- Aaron might have thought he was in for plain sailing…but this is Big Brother we’re talking about. So…no.

Just like Stavros Flatley’s legendary battle against the hydra, as soon as he dispatched one enemy another arose. Aaron’s new nemesis was Jem, the sister of his boozily unstable beau Faye. The monstrous Jem clearly has a rather dysfunctional relationship with her sister and was evidently furious at the idea of Aaron taking Faye away from her oddball world of female wrestling and dysfunctionality.

It is also worth noting that Jem claims to be 26. Now as a gentleman I would never be so crude as to suggest a lady was lying about her age, but she definitely absolutely one hundred per cent is.

Unless she’s made out of leather.

Anyway Aaron has also been unfortunate enough to have the producers turn against him by handing nominations over to the relatives of the housemates. This resulted in a whole bunch of them giving almost identical nominations to Aaron for messing Faye around: a more cynical man might suggest they were reading from a script handed to them by a friendly television producer.

But Aaron was not to be deterred and will likely soldier on to victory: Jem (who was nominated alongside him) will surely by given the boot this Friday if she doesn’t walk first: something she’s been repeatedly and tediously threatening to do in between spitting into Aaron’s coffee, which is just vile.

Anyway all of this adversity has made the very short, Lego obsessed, grumpy Aaron into the hero of the piece: if only because the forces that have been arranged against him are so horrible.  I’m increasingly imagining Aaron as a trusty Tolkiensque dwarf battling his way through a dungeon of enemies.

And lo did Aarynodor  son of Drimlydor stand in the house of the thousand eyes, having shattered the orcish wolf pack by slaying their foul leader Antonic  Thraka with his axe of well timed complaints. But before the doughty warrior could rest his weary, stubby legs there stood before him a yet more malevolent menace: the monstrous leather faced harpy Jemus Irratanus…

As an aside, if anyone wants me to write them some Big Brother fan fiction my rates are extremely reasonable.

In any case, the lesson from this week’s Big Brother seems to be people like people who are suffering. Heartening stuff!

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Ian Dunn is on The Twitters…you can follow him at @Ian_Dunn

Big Brother is on tonight, 9pm, Channel 5

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About Ian Dunn
I love avocados, WH Auden and dinosaurs but I don't like effort.

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