Catch up with…..Big Brother

Jay: wanted for Cushionicide.

Last week’s Big Brother saw the housemates slowly descend into madness.

The first to crack was lovable bundle of nonsense Mark, who decided he’d had enough and up and walked right out of the house, explaining his actions in his usual odd way:

“I feel confined in here,” he said. “I feel like a trapped bee in a jar. It’s alright in the jar for a while when there’s jam at the bottom, but once you’ve eaten that…”

Jam devoured, he departed: much to the distress of pretty much everyone else.

For all that he was leaving was a den of utter foolishness, Mark actually made quite a classy departure: assuring those left behind it was nothing to do with any of them:

“I just like looking at things,” he said.  “And I’ve looked at everything in here.”

(Classy, yes. Sane….perhaps not).

Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth, though not noticeably from Faye and Maisie who were more concerned with the fact they’re both up for eviction this week. These two young girls had recently become as chummy as chummy can be, a move the rest of the house responded to by nominating the pair of them for the boot.

As well as being like, the bestest of bestest best mates, the two are also linked by the fact they’ve both done a spot of tongue fumbling with ageing, grumpy love-dwarf Aaron.

Maisie- who was so  graspingly ambitious and desperate for fame she’d happily crawl through a mile of rat entrails for it- was the one to get the boot, but no doubt she will spend the next ten years trying to turn the experience into a career so I suspect this isn’t the last we’ll hear from her.

The departure of her dear chum will do little to help Faye, who seems to be embracing an ongoing emotional breakdown largely fuelled by alcohol: a substance that she clearly can’t handle (unless you count first flirting with everyone in the room, then trying to fight them, then weeping in a cupboard as ‘handling’). Also she sometimes refers to Aaron as ‘dad’, which is pushing her ‘Daddy issues’ far to close to the surface for anyone to be comfortable with.

Having seen that Faye was a touch fragile, Big Brother took the step of introducing her sister Jem as a housemate to replace the dear departed Mark. On the surface this might seem like a touching act of charity, but of course it isn’t: her sister gives all the signs of being a grade A sociopath and seems to have been introduced into the House on a not-so-secret mission to create ‘drama’ by being as sneaky and manipulative as possible.

Clearly Channel Five have decided that though the ratings may be failing the show will still be considered a success if lasting emotional damage can be inflicted on as many of the housemates as possible. Either that, or Channel Five is owned by a consortium of psychotherapists intent on drumming up more business.

One individual who seems to be quietly edging towards a dramatic flame out is walking slab of Geordie muscle Jay. Both he and fellow Tynesider Alex initially seemed to walking North East stereotypes: nice as can be but very, very dim (like Michael in I’m Alan Partridge).

However, there’s only so much you can do with editing and despite his initial presentation, Jay has recently started to show he’s actually a rather more complex figure. His wooing of the pretty but dull Louise has revealed a certain amount of charm and (dare I say it) even a bit of sly romance.

Spelling out a message in Love Hearts- while hardly equivalent to Shakespeare’s sonnets- is a rather sneaky way to get a message across without having to reveal it to the cameras. It certainly seemed to work on Louise who declared it to be ‘the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me’. Something that -forgive me for being cynical- suggests the romance bar has been set quite shockingly low in her life.  Like, Eastenders character low.

However, Jay also has some entirely less cute rage issues that are coming to the surface in a slightly terrifying way.

When posh scampster Harry decided to go off script and blow almost the entire week’s shopping budget on bananas and food colouring: Jay (a man who likes his grub) did not react well to the jape.

He went into the garden, laid a cushion on the grass, got on his knees and spent a long, long time leathering the absolute guts out of it. The cushion was rushed to the upholstery hospital but did not recover. If I were a gambling man, I’d stick a fair bet on Jay killing Harry and eating him once the appeal of bananas wears off.

However even this naked display of violence worked in his favour, as the fragrant Louise cooed ‘Is it wrong that I find that attractive?’ before rewarding him with a under-the-duvet fumble.

Given Jay’s clearly fracturing temperament however, I doubt even the most ardent tumble from Louise will stop him going, as we say in Glasgow, absolutely ‘Bongo radge’ in the near future.

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About Ian Dunn
I love avocados, WH Auden and dinosaurs but I don't like effort.

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