Celebrity Masterchef: Week… is it only three?

Don't let the toothy smile fool you: he's raging

It’s week three of Masterchef and John Torrode is in a bad mood. He prowled around the kitchen this week, not happy with anything, disagreeing with Gregg, stealing all of a sticky toffee pudding (not letting Gregg have any)  and generally not helping. It got so bad that afternoon viewers were treated to an Antipodean “Oh for fu…” before a handy cutaway saved us all from getting a telling off by the Daily Mail. Gregg tried to lighten the tone at one point saying “It’s a great combination – just like me and you, eh?” and he didn’t even let his eyes go smouldery. Poor old lad.

Anyway, cooking contest:

Colin and Justin of Colin and Justin fame have obviously been to Reality TV School. Their appearances on I’m a Celebrity and Coach Trip (not to mention presenting seemingly every decorating show on the telly) has shown them all of the tricks of helping a producer document their ‘journey’ through a series. At one point, we actually saw Justin pause on his way into the washing up area, calculating the best place to stand and look thoughtful.

One thing that neither of the boys could do, however, was cook. Poor old Colin spent a lot of time staring at ingredients with a mixture of panic, disgust and amusement on his face. “I’m just the washer-upper” he said, before attempting to make a posh version of the deep fried Mars Bar – a tempura Bounty (or “coconut chocolate bar” as the BBC would have it). Justin was continually told off by the judges for over decorating his plates and not concentrating on making food that tasted nice, or was cooked properly.

Colin went on Wednesday, Justin lost in the final, despite doing a lot better in the WI round.

Sharon Maugham was the girl from the Gold Blend adverts, she’s also been in lots of other things on the telly which I haven’t seen, and is apparently married to Trevor “The psychological horror of Waking the Dead” Eve. I’m hugely disappointed that at no point did she make Eve’s pudding, or do anything with coffee beans. She can cook though, she massively surprised everyone by managing to create a perfect chocolate fondant in the Masterchef ovens: something that long-time watchers will know is a virtual impossibility.

The star of the show was Danny Goffey, the drummer from Supergrass (I bloody love Supergrass, from the tips of their toes to their fuzzy-wuzzy sideburns, and it’s been a real effort not to fill this week’s review with all sorts of puns about the band). Danny really knows how to cook: he impressed the judges with some excellent meals, they ate his chips and drank his Coke and then he showed them Mars through his telescope (sorry). He also made a perfect raspberry soufflé, which Gregg looked like he was going to faint over (or possibly into) and a wonderful looking scallop and chorizo salad garnished with pea shoots and edible flowers, which I’m going to pinch and claim as my own recipe.

Danny had exactly the opposite attitude to that of Colin and Justin.

During the What does Masterchef mean to you interview segments and questions from the judges, C&J said things like ‘this means so much to me’, ‘I want my food to follow my love of design’ or ‘If I do well in this maybe I can open a restaurant and have a TV series about that’.  But Danny said: ‘If I don’t win I’ll go to the pub’ – marvellous.

The WI women seem to have settled their differences and turned all of their scorn on the contestants this week. Their back room bitching over menus, the blandness of soup and the consistency of cake is becoming very entertaining.

Two went through again, it’s almost like they need to pad out the finals to last a fortnight.

Masterchef week three: the running jokes return

Through: Danny Goffey, Sharon Maugham

Out: Colin McAllister, Justin Ryan

Dish of the week: Danny’s scallop and chorizo salad. Wow.

Gregg and John’s Love at the Movies (the Musical): Grease

In tribute to Gregg saying they were a great combination…

Sandy and Danny (Gregg and John)

♫ We go together like
rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong
remembered for ever like
shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom ♫

Rizzo, Kenickie, Doody, Sonny (Sharon, Danny, Colin, Justin)

♫ Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
That’s the way it should be
Wha oooh yeah! ♫*


Strictly Come Spooning (with Len Goodman):

A fight over a pudding? Letting John run off with all the Sticky Toffee? I’m disappointed sunshine, I’m going to make my voice go all low like Ray Winstone, and give you a FOUR.

Uncle Graeme’s mystery box recipe:

The mystery box this week contained kidneys. I know a lot of people agree with (Tellysquawks favourite) Sue Perkins, who once described them as tasting of “Liver soaked in wee”, but I love them. Cook me devilled kidneys on toast and I’ll be your friend forever.

Take four lamb’s kidneys, cut them in half lengthways and carefully cut out the white cores. Then chop them into nice big chunks. Toss the chunks in seasoned flour.

Thinly slice a small onion, and fry in butter until soft. Shake the excess flour off the kidneys and add them to the pan. Cook them for a couple of minutes until they’re browned all over.

Add a good squeeze of tomato ketchup and a big teaspoon of English mustard to the pan, mix well, then add about half a pint of water and a tablespoon of Worcester sauce, bring to the boil and simmer for about 15 minutes until the sauce is thickened and the kidneys are tender.

Season, and add more Worcester sauce or a pinch of cayenne pepper if it’s not poky enough for you.

Serve on toast, and prepare yourself for big loving.

*These are genuinely the lyrics. I like to read them out in a variety of accents, or speak them like a newsreader. It’s fun for all the family.


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