Have You Been Watching…Big Brother?

Big Brother is back on the air but if the ratings are anything to go by you probably aren’t watching it.

So allow me to be your intrepid guide to the long running reality show’s first outing on Channel Five. Basically the channel’s strategy for the program was to get a lot of young, attractive people, chuck them in the house, ply them with booze and watch them go at it like knives. To create their own Jersey Shore if you will: but with people who are young and attractive taking the place of rapidly aging Italian American ghouls.

And it’s worked (kind of), only what turned out to be the key factor was their youthful naiveté rather than out of control hormones. For someone like myself in their late, late, late, mid to late, twenties-thrities many of the contestants seem just incredibly…undercooked.

Coincidentally, that’s also how they came across to the few contestants who were slightly older. Very quickly the youngsters started to worship the older contestants, and the oldsters who were still only in their late twenties (pretty much) weren’t able to help themselves from, ahem, helping themselves.

Take the example of Rebeckah and Aden. Aden, 19, came into the house proclaiming the fact he was from the streets but also had a psychology degree, meaning he could straddle two worlds in a way that would make him irresistible to the ladies.

Cue, 28 year old Rebeckah, a self proclaimed man hater who was clearly coming off a string of disastrous relationships. Within days she had him wrapped around her little finger to the extent he was openly weeping when a Big Brother task mandated they be kept apart. Unfortunately for Rebeckah her level of control over Aden made her come across as exceptionally manipulative, (partly because the show was edited that way but mainly because she was) so she was promptly booted out.

Another housemate who came a cropper after fondling a youth was 30 year old Aaron. Despite being about four feet tall, he was able to whittle a little bit of life experience and the ability to hold an conversation for more than ten minutes into a tool to inflame the loins of two attractive young women: Faye and Maisie. Oh, and one bisexual who looks like Tom Baker as a fetus, and is also called Tom.

All was going fine and dandy for Aaron, who was being lavished with attention until he probably felt like he was five foot six until he made the mistake of snogging one of his admirers, the other two went mental and he was promptly nominated for eviction.

There’s a valuable lesson here in that you can probably have a relationship with a much younger person where you hold all the power, however other people will judge you and there’s every chance it’ll blow up in your face.

The exception to the older housemate manipulating the youth rule is Heaven Africa, who you will be stunned to learn is an rather intense earth mother hippy type. She was evicted on Friday after failing to manipulating anyone, because she’s mad. According to her, the films Star Wars, The Sliver Surfer and The Fantastic Four were all based on true stories, a claim she seemed to whole heartedly believe.

Although if Star Wars showed Yoda snogging Luke then promptly being evicted from Dagobah for abusing his authority she might have been able to make a case.

Almost as irritating is Anton, who believes the fact he’s in good shape is enough of a reason to take his top off every few seconds. He also thinks he’s the smarter than the lovechild of an iPhone and an iPad. He really isn’t.

At the other end of the spectrum we have Mark and Harry, my tips to win.

Mark is basically a human dog who talks nonsense. He bounds about and appears to have absolutely no filter but his clear affection for other people makes him very hard to dislike. He also says things like “Whenever people tell me things I’m usually singing toothpaste jingles in my head instead of listening so I just agree at the end so I don’t really have any idea what’s happening” which I find endearing.

Hunting prat

Harry on the hand is a entitled posho who loves hunting, which should make him rather loathsome: although on the plus side he could use Mark as a hound. However he does have a rather good sense of humour and that thing posh people have were they are able to remain absolutely unruffled all the time.

It’s very easy to imagine him as junior officer at the Somme, describing the fact he’s just had his arm shot off as a ‘spot of bother’.

The main reason to watch Big Brother is so you can watch a group of people go a bit mad by being forced to spent every moment together in a small space, but it is still rather impressive to see someone who is able to retain their sense of the ridiculous of the endeavor at all times. Even if he is a hunting prat.


About Ian Dunn
I love avocados, WH Auden and dinosaurs but I don't like effort.

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