Celebrity Masterchef Series 6- Preview

Are you bored with Masterchef? Is it possible to get bored with Masterchef? How could we be bored with Masterchef? HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT BEING BORED WITH MASTERCHEF?

The BBC are bored with Masterchef. You can tell this as the new series (BBC 1, Monday-Wednesday, from the 12th September) is on at the well-known prime time slot of 2.15 in the afternoon. Of course, in this age of iPlayer and Skyplusamagubbins it doesn’t really matter when a show is on, but I think this is the corporation phoning it in to get through their contract and back onto Michel Roux later in the year.

Also, isn’t 2.15 the Murder She Wrote/Diagnosis Murder slot? How will the future amateur sleuths of Britain know how to interfere with crime scenes, disrupt the chain of evidence, type/diagnose (delete as applicable) and nearly get themselves killed if we have people going around cooking all the time?

Anyway, John and Gregg return for the sixth series of the culinary shouting extravaganza. Let’s let that sink in, shall we? Sixth. Series. It doesn’t bode well for the level of celebrity; I think we may be going beyond Z-list, and into a different alphabet. Greek, maybe.

Week one’s lambda* list team will consist of bra lady Michelle Mone; no bra lady Linda Lusardi; Manchester’s answer to Speedy Gonzales Darren Campbell and Tony the chef off of Hollyoaks (who I think has a massive unfair advantage having pretended to cook at Posh Nosh for all these years).

We’ll follow these brave souls through three days of tests.

First off, the contestants will fillet and cook a flatfish, then make mayonnaise. Raw eggs, semi-cooked fish, loads of bones? In this age of BBC cuts, how do they afford the insurance? Or the bog roll.

Next, there’s a mystery box. If you’re a cheffy ponce like me then this will be your favourite part: where you can sit in the comfort of your chair saying smug things like “I’d make a nice crab and chilli pasta, or maybe a thai fishcake and spicy coleslaw” while they panic and make a small pile of carrot mash garnished with raw sardines and a sauce made from parsley and tears. No matter what horrors they create, Gregg will manfully put it down his neck like the trencherman he is.

Day two will be teamwork day: breakfasts for ten, then a load of food for a load of students. I predict buckets of slop and a massive row.

On day three, the gang will have to cook one of John’s signature dishes. This week is a lightly poached terrine of Lloyd Grossman, served with a chocolate hot air balloon and brandy snaps. Or rabbit. Probably rabbit.

After all this, we will lose one celebrity. This show is on for ten weeks. As a contest this is up there with the group stages of the Europa League for extended lack of peril.

Food, shouting, challenges, tears, shouting, scalds, cuts, massive spoons, shouting, disappointed looks, terrible cooking, great cooking, homo-erotic judgely eye-contact, top chefs wondering why these idiots have been let into their kitchens, more shouting, more tears, huge pauses and more climactic Snow Patrol than the human mind can conceivably cope with… cooking doesn’t get more celebrity than this.

I’ll be doing my best to review each week’s elimination, with an exciting bonus “Uncle Graeme’s Alternative Mystery Box Menu” for you lucky Tellysquawkers to get your teeth into, because nothing will stop me judging people under pressure.

And it’s a good excuse to watch this again:

——————————————–

*Greek lambda – I’m hilarious, me.

The new series of Celebrity Masterchef starts on Monday 12th September at 2.15pm on BBC One.

You can follow Graeme on the Twitters- just point your internets to @magicdarts

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3 Responses to Celebrity Masterchef Series 6- Preview

  1. roszs says:

    Oh god, the Snow Patrol… every time…

  2. lrjtucker says:

    I didn’t even realise they were doing this. Guessing that format tweak wasn’t quite such a good idea, ratings-wise. If it ain’t broke, don’t turn it into the X Factor.

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