Doctor Who: Series 6, Episode 7- A Good Man Goes To War

From the moment Rory strode onto the Cyber-ship in full Roman gear, it was clear that A Good Man Goes To War was going to pull out all of the stops. Then throw them away. Then go and buy more stops and stamp on them for good measure.

Although- let’s pause for a moment- Roman gear? Seriously? Amy is snatched by a mysterious, malevolent force and stolen away, but Rory stops to play dress up? Seems a bit like avoidance, frankly. Also, has anyone asked whether that centurion’s uniform has ever been dry cleaned? Rory did wear it for 2000 years, after all. It’s hard to sneak up on assailants if you smell like a dead badger’s arse.

I should know.

From the outset, Rory’s daft get-up was a worrying sign that the episode might be planning on going for form over substance- or, to put it another way- that Steven Moffat was going to go all ‘post 1999 George Lucas’ on us and throw the (melted) baby out with the bathwater: filling the episode with CGI confections at the expense of actual plot.

Fortunately, the glitz and glamour of sequences like the pre-credits Cyberbullying was balanced by the introduction of some rather wonderful (and funny) characters: The 19th century Silurian-lesbian Sherlock Holmes character was particularly inspired; not least because the sequence where she apologises for slighting her ladyfriend was deliciously risqué:

“Was I being insensitive again dear? I don’t know why you put up with me.”

*kills guard with her massive tongue*

Heh.

Sadly, some of the Doctor’s new superbuddies were more short lived than others, such as Commander Strax. When we meet him, the belligerent Sontaran is working as a nurse as penance for some unspecified crime. Apparently healing is most degrading task a Sontaran can be asked to do.

Hmm, worse than being forced to audition for Britain’s Got Talent? Surely not. The Doc should have forced him to juggle ferrets in front of Amanda Holden. In fact, the whole idea of the Doctor travelling the Universe handing out forfeits like some kind of galactic teenage girl is quite pleasing.

Perhaps that explains the absence of the Daleks this series: they’re being forced to work as plumbers to atone for their part in the Time War.

But of course, all the bombast, the drama and the fun new action figures-in-waiting were simply tantalising plot-appetisers leading us to the delicious reveal at the end. Yes, after years of waiting, one of the biggest questions in Doctor Who history has finally been solved: and I don’t mean ‘why doesn’t the Doctor use his powers to go back in time and prevent the creation of Jedward?’

Yep, it turns out that Amy Pond’s newborn daughter, Melody, is none other than a miniature, incontinent, much less sexy version of Professor Song herself. Many theories have been expounded about River’s identity over the years: that she’s the Doctor’s future regeneration; that she’s actually a TARDIS and (my own personal theory) that she was in prison due to an unhealthy sexual attraction to bodies of water- after all, her name is an anagram of ‘River Snog’.

However, it turns out if the powers that be wanted the solution to be an anagram, her name would have had to been Aargh Diversity Serum*- which doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

Oh, talking about her name: River definitely gained a better moniker due to the handy fact that the people of the Gamma Forests have limited words for water. They created River Song from ‘Pond Melody’= which sounds like a euphemism for the noise frogs make when they’re having sex.

I don’t blame her for sticking with River.

It’ll be interesting to see where they take her character next. It seems likely (spoilers, sweetie) that she and the Doctor pursue a more intimate relationship. You know, what with the kissing and flirting and whatnot. Could make for a rather awkward scenes in the TARDIS next series: the Doctor probably doesn’t want River’s younger self hanging round and putting him off his stride. Urgh.

Doctor Who returns with ‘Let’s Kill Hitler’ in Autumn 2011

*River Is Amy’s Daughter. Or possibly: ‘admire rushiest gravy’.

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

One Response to Doctor Who: Series 6, Episode 7- A Good Man Goes To War

  1. Jim Taylor says:

    Just discovered this wonderful site via Apprentice tweets. Loving your gently witty dissections on Dr Who. You SHOULD be employed by The Guardian forthwith.

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