Apprentice Week One Spotlight: Edna and Leon

Originally written for TV Pixie.

Sometimes, people come into your life and you wonder how you ever lived without them. Their laugh, their smile- they light up a room; everything about them is perfect.

The opposite of this phenomenon is the annual twunt-parade of Apprentice candidates. They come into your life via the flickering idiot box in the corner and you wonder how you could have let this happen again. Not after last year. Not after Stuart Baggs.

But it’s like a hideous car crash: you can’t help but look, so lets take a closer gawp at two of the mush-brained ‘entrepreneurs’:

Edna Agbarha

When old-timer Edna first appeared on screen, she seemed positively brim-full of wisdom. After all, she’s an impressive 36 years of age which, in Apprentice terms, practically makes her Yoda. But that impression didn’t last long.

The first rumblings of idiocy started to appear in the first episode when she appointed herself ‘treasurer’ in the fruit task. Instead of using the whole £250 budget provided, she opted to keep some back. Not the wisest move, given they were dealing with London prices: it’s about £75,000 even for a flat pack starter-orange in Battersea these days, and don’t even think about buying a banana unless you work in the City.

Edna then opted to head up the pasta production line and managed to sod that up too by missing the lunchtime rush. This led to the utterly soul-crushing sight of several grown women running around Euston trying to ‘up-sell’ tubs of clammy pasta covered in gunk as a delicious evening meal.

Due to the boys being (improbably) EVEN WORSE at ‘adding value’ to fruit, Edna survived the vegopalypse, but not before Lord SurAlun Sugar pointed out they could have more than tripled their return if they’d invested more money.

In the second task, Edna elected herself Project Manager: a title which I’m pretty certain she wished was ‘Supreme Leader of the People’s Republic of Edna’, based on her dictatorial stance. Despite knowing about as much about smartphone apps as a duck knows about advanced theoretical astrobiology, she decided on the truly hideous ‘Ampi-App’: a downloadable crapfactory that allows users to summon a serious of horrible noises at will.

Apprentice fans already have that: it’s the remote control you use to switch the telly on at 9pm on a Wednesday.

Somehow Edna managed to win the app-task, despite a presentation to the technology industry that was frankly app-alling (see what I did there?). This means she’ll be back to snap, bully and crush the other candidates this week like a walking, lip-gloss wearing bear trap. Sigh.

Leon Doyle

Bumbling man-clown Leon, a.k.a. the Mr Bean of the boys’ team, somehow managed to end up in the boardroom two times in two episodes.

In the fruit task, he managed to ‘mishandle’ the juicing machines, meaning his teammates had to squish 1400 oranges by hand. Sorry, but how on Earth do you ‘mishandle’ an orange juicer? The mind boggles. I suspect he was secretly testing them out with his man-plums.

This utter inability to make even the most basic fruit product led to his first boardroom appearance, and possibly the most bemusing quote ever to escape an Apprentice candidates lips: “I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?”

This metaphysical conundrum no doubt caused Leon to lapse into a state of contemplative mind-shock, shutting him up long enough to escape the firing line.

Anxious to prove himself after ‘Juicegate’, he nominated himself as project manager for the App task. His first mistake was agreeing to shaved gorilla-Glenn’s ‘Slangatang’ idea, leading to the creation of an app that bandied more lazy regional stereotypes around than a pack of drunken tabloid journalists on a day trip to Wales.

Somehow, the app got 3951 downloads (presumably all Daily Mail readers). Nevertheless the boys lost as it hadn’t occurred to them that British slang might not be particularly interesting to a global audience, despite the bizarre, enduring worldwide popularity of Benny Hill.

However- like an intellectually challenged Houdini- Leon managed to escape again, so we can anticipate seeing his vacant expression in tonight’s episode. Rather chillingly this involves ‘discount buying’ for the Savoy hotel.

Let’s hope he doesn’t order a job lot of oranges.

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

3 Responses to Apprentice Week One Spotlight: Edna and Leon

  1. Nina says:

    Oh,yes. Edna is a ‘character’. And she works in HR? Must be a lot of fun in that company… Leon is full of hot air, I think he will be kept on for the show. A new pantsman,maybe?

  2. Nina says:

    Clever boy! Made a faux pax into an advantage. Well, the current candidates will have to work it really well to reach the level of Mr P. 🙂

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