Apprentice 2011: The Candidates, Part Two (9-16)

Stock up on sandbags, people: the annual idiocy tsunami that is The Apprentice is about to hit our shores.

Yesterday, we looked at half of the sixteen walking bullshit factories vying for the Lord Sugar Award for Stupidity in Business. Let’s take a look at the remaining eight:

9) Natasha Scribbins

31 year old Natasha only managed to scrape four GCSEs but nevertheless went on to graduate from University with a Bachelors Degree in International Hospitality Management. Which tells you all you need to know about degrees in International Hospitality Management.

She describes herself as ‘tenacious’, which is Apprentice-speak for ‘pig-headed sanity vacuum’.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Suggest ‘Unity’ As A Teamname Whilst Simultaneously Stabbing Fellow Candidates In The Back With A Rusty Fork.


10) Vincent Disneur

Swashbuckling Sales Manager Vincent Disneur claims to have an unprecedented amount of business acumen. He’s right, if by ‘amount of business acumen’ he means ‘resemblance to dashing star of 30s cinema Errol Flynn’.

He claims to be a ‘film buff and frequent traveller with a penchant for theatre’ . Hang on, maybe he actually is Errol Flynn.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Fight His Way Into The Boardroom And Call SurAlun A ‘Black Hearted Knave’ Before Sweeping Nick Off His Feet With A Passionate Kiss.

11) Jim Eastwood

32 year old Jim allegedly started his working life at the age of 9 in his father’s fish and chip shop.

Is it just me, or are the candidates claims of youthful work almost universally in breach of current child labour laws? “I toiled in my father’s mine from the age of 3. It taught me teamwork, self sufficiency and the fact that no matter how much you cry, no one comes.”

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Say “I started work at the age o’ 4 years old as a chimerny sweep, before Uncle Sir Lord Sugar took me in and taught me the ways o’ digital signage, gawd love ‘im”


12) Edward Hunter

Despite long-standing legislation stating that no child younger than 13 is permitted to work, Edward’s first job was as a gardener at the age of 12.

He’s now an accountant at a FTSE 30 energy company, presumably now helping them burn the very trees he once helped to grow. He claims to be a ‘wheeler dealer’, but I’m not sure how that fits in with his CV. Maybe he meant ‘wheelbarrow dealer.’

Voted Candidate Most Likely To…Oh Who Cares. WILL THIS EVER END?


13) Gavin Winstanley

Teary-eyed Gavin is the Managing Director of his own online optician chain. However, if he’s wearing his own-brand contact lenses then he’s not a very good advert for them: his red, weepy eyes make him look like a soft hearted detective who’s been forced to investigate a particularly distressing multiple kitten murder.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Fail A Task Due To Repeatedly Walking Into Lamp Posts.



14) Tom Pellereau

31 year old Tom’s first job involved working on a farm sorting agricultural bulbs from mud. In true Apprentice fashion, I imagine he was probably 6 months old at the time- but no doubt he still gave it eleventy billion percent.

He’s now- get this- an inventor, but you could probably have guessed that due to the big geeky glasses that he was probably forced to wear so he looked ‘more science-y’ in the promo pic. They also photoshopped robot tentacles onto the lower half of his body, but unfortunately you can’t see that in the headshot.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Cause A Rift In The Space Time Continuum While Trying To Create A New Flavour Of Crisp In Week Seven.

15) Glenn Ward   

Our penultimate candidate is Glenn, a football playing Design Engineer who once ‘took apart and rebuilt an entire computer’ at the tender age of 8. However, the bio doesn’t actually mention whether it worked after he did that, or, indeed, his motives for doing it.

He describes himself as ‘an intelligent man with a dry sense of humour’- so maybe he rigged the PC to lethally explode whenever his dad tapped the space bar. That’s the sort of joke an Apprentice candidate would find amusing…

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Fill SurAlun’s Petrol Tank With Sugar If He Doesn’t Get The Job

16) And finally…Zoe Beresford

26 year old Zoe is a Project Manager working in ‘sales and marketing’ for her father’s firm. However, further digging reveals that her father’s actually a farmer, so I’m not entirely sure what she’s marketing. I like to imagine her cold calling garden centres from a draughty Portakabin and trying to sell them manure while dressed in a traditional Apprentice power-suit and killer heels.

Although to be fair, if that’s true she’ll be in good company: the others are all bullshit salesmen too.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Claim She ‘Always Maintained Her Professionality’ While Being Fired.

——————————————————

Now you know all the candidates by name, why not pop on over to the Guardian’s Apprentice mini-site later on, when Queen Heidi Stephens will be liveblogging all the action from 9pm. I’ll be there as her Apprentice, rounding up the hilarious comments and trying not to swoon over debonair swashbuckler Vincent.

I’ll also be doing a weekly Apprentice themed article for ace tellysite TV Pixie, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

The Seventh Series of The Apprentice starts tonight at 9pm on BBC One

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

5 Responses to Apprentice 2011: The Candidates, Part Two (9-16)

  1. Dave Weeden says:

    Oh, I think the first one here (Natasha) is really unfair to mature students (of which I am one).

    Also, I think Vincent looks more like Robert Carlyle. Now I need to know if he can dance to “I believe in miracles”.

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      Ah, sorry. I did think it sounded a tad elitist/twattish, but I couldn’t resist saying it for the laughs. I do think hospitality management is a bit of a strange thing to have a BA in, though. Surely it’s more of an…….apprenticeship. *hollow silence* *tumbleweed*

  2. Arsene L Bo says:

    Ed Hunter – surely his future is in Executive Search?

  3. KateH says:

    Tom is clearly Michael Sheen in disguise, possibly having lost his way at the BBC while on his way to ‘Celebrity Great Egg Race’.

    In fact this is a celebrity lookalike year. I also propose:

    Leon = Orlando Bloom
    Natasha = Imelda Staunton
    Vincent = Norville “Shaggy” Rogers
    Edna = voice of Jon Pertwee, body of Auntie Entity
    Ellie = member of the Cult of Saxon
    Jim = Mark’s Nazi best friend from Peep Show series two episode two
    Alex = Dean Stockwell’s Thunderbirds puppet

    And it’s good to see that I’m not alone in imagining that Helen has her own bondage dungeon and is seriously hoping that there’ll be a task involving gimps.

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