Apprentice 2011: The Candidates, Part One (1-8)

Yes, it’s nearly time for everyone’s favourite git-carnival, where 16 previously obscure idiots are elevated to the position of Olympic-standard publicity whores.

But only one can be crowned Nonsense-Peddling Tossbasket Of The Year.

Who will it be? Let’s take a look at the first 8:

1) Leon Doyle

According to the BBC website, 26 year old Leon is the founder of an online takeaway ordering site and publishing business. He’s also a former paperboy. The fact the bio even bothers to mention that makes me suspect Leon’s CV is about as substantial as an ice-cube sandwich.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Make Nick Wince So Hard His Entire Face Disappears Backwards Into His Nose

2) Alex Britez-Cabral

28 year old Alex is an estate agent, which might explain why he looks like a sad-eyed clown. His first job was making tea in an estate agent’s office, before rising up the dizzy ranks to become a member of that glittering profession. He claims to have a ‘good head on his shoulders’, prompting me to wonder if anyone’s ever claimed otherwise.

Voted Candidate Least Likely To Say ‘My head is crap. This head, the one on my shoulders? Yeah- load of rubbish.’

3) Melody Hosseini

26 year old Melody was born in Iran, and has won the ‘Woman of the Future’ award for her voluntary work. She’s also previously worked with 12 Nobel Peace Prize winners including Desmond Tutu, Dalai Lama and was trained on climate change by Al Gore. This impressive list should make her hard to mock, but luckily she’s drawn her eyebrows on with marker pen. Phew!

Voted Candidate Most Likely To  Make Lord Sugar Turn Off The Lights In The Boardroom To Save The Earth’s Precious Resources.

4) Felicity Jackson

Felicity is just 23 years old, is ‘inspired by the T Mobile brand’ rather than, say, Ghandi and compares herself to ‘Kanya King’. Now, I have no idea who that is and refuse to Google it, so I can only imagine it’s Stephen King’s dog.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Bark Loudly At The Other Candidates And Try To Go To The Toilet On Their Legs

5) Edna Agbarha

Old-timer Edna is an impressive 36 years old, and started her career working on a Covent Garden market stall owned by her uncle. She grew up with 9 siblings, meaning she’ll be well placed to cope with her competitors as she’ll no doubt be used to childish bickering and whining. Either that or she’ll turn out to be an utter twunt just like the rest of ’em.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Insist She’s Just Like Lord Sugar Because She Comes From ‘Umble Cockerney Beginnin’s’

6) Susan Ma

I hope you’re all sitting there with your Apprentice Age-Bingo cards, because Shanghai-born Susan’s the youngest candidate in the list so far: just 21. The ‘skincare entrepreneur’ (read: snake oil salesman) claims she’s an ‘adrenaline junkie’, but there are no other facts on her bio to back that up. I can only assume she’ll spend the entire series climbing on tables and then jumping off while screaming incoherently.

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Attempt To Fill In SurAlun’s Crevasse-Like Wrinkles With Overpriced Nonsense-Potion.

7) Ellie Reed

Burly prison guard  Managing Director Ellie once chased a burglar out of her house aged 17, and I can well believe it: she looks like she could punch a whale to death. Like Leon, the 33 year old also started her working life with a paper round- is this series sponsored by Associated News?

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Put Nick Hewer In A Head Lock Until He Agrees To Her Advances

8) Helen Louise Milligan

Helen is, fascinatingly, the ‘executive assistant’ for the CEO of Greggs the Bakers. However, I think it’s safe to say that she doesn’t take her work home with her: she’s thinner than Leon’s CV. Get yerself a steak bake love…

Voted Candidate Most Likely To Prompt A Poorly Scripted Boardroom Comment From Lord Alan Along The Lines Of: ‘You Might Work For Greggs, But I Reckon Your Ideas Are Half-Baked’

The 2011 series of The Apprentice starts on Tuesday 10th May at 9pm on BBC 1. Stay tuned to Tellysquawks for a round up of the remaining 8 candidates tomorrow.


About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at

14 Responses to Apprentice 2011: The Candidates, Part One (1-8)

  1. Mads says:

    You know, I often look at the hoards of people in train stations and places like that and think, Wow, funny how there are so many faces, so many individual faces, and yet… they all look like a person might. In contrast, these people all look like bad oil paintings. What a catch.

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      isn’t it odd? It’s almost like their pictures were….airbrushed. Making them all look about 30 years older than they should. Reverse airbrushing, perhaps…

  2. steand says:

    Visited Leon’s website, where he is keen to inform us that he “supplied sweets to the school kids who weren’t aloud off the grounds.”

    I’m confused. Does this mean he did, or didn’t, go to school with Cheryl Cole, Nicola Roberts et al? Could he only sell sweets to kids who were quiet outside the school gates?

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      Hmm, I suspect he couldn’t sell sweets to people who weren’t in Girls Aloud, and even then he had to be off school premises. It’S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD!!1!!eleven!!!!

  3. Laura says:

    Is it just me or does Leon look a bit like a poor man’s Robert Pattinson?

    Also I vote Melody as house drama queen. “I’ve been held at gun point y’know….. AND kidnapped, almost forgot that, yeah, I’ve been KIDNAPPED too. So take that all you lesser candidates who have, like, NEVER known real suffering!!”

    Can’t wait for tomorrow night!

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      Wow. She’s been kidnapped? Imagine inadvertently kidnapping an Apprentice Candidate. I wonder how much her abductors paid to have her taken away again…

  4. Laura says:

    Also, Helen is clearly some kind of angry dominatrix type. I’d keep an eye on her. She fills me with a whole new kind of fear.

    And this will seem like a non-sequitur, but actually follows on from my previous comment that I left without logging in to wordpress. Both are me, I promise!

  5. Pingback: Apprentice 2011: The Candidates, Part Two (9-16) « Tellysquawks

  6. Ruby A says:

    Kanya King came up with the MOBOs, thereby giving US hip-hop and R&B stars much-needed exposure in the UK. I mock, but thanks to her there was an awards ceremony in the 90s which *didn’t* give Annie Lennox or Robbie Williams an award, so SHE should get a Nobel Prize on top oof her MBE. Wonder if Melody knows her?

    I take it Ellie was unarmed when she chased the burglar out of her house?

    Edna will do well. 9 siblings? She sure knows how to fight, but needn’t look so battle-weary already. Cheer up, love! It’s only the first episode. I look forward to hearing her kiss her teet at some fool, because something tells me she doesn’t suffer those gladly – and she’s surrounded by them!

  7. KopiteEddie says:

    Helen works for Greggs? No… I thought she looked like Mrs Tweedy from Chicken run. But she works for Greegs as well. My perfect woman. Strict, stern & access to an unlimited number of pies!! Oh I think I’m in love!!!!

  8. MurMu'sSlut says:

    why don’t the writer of this article fuck him/herself?

  9. Pingback: Nachhaltigkeit

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