Doctor Who- Series 6 Preview

Originally written for spiffing website TV Pixie

Rather than taking the ‘easy route’ and watching the BBC’s preview video for Series 6 of Doctor Who (or series 18347812348923 to Doctor Who purists) I thought ‘Hey, I don’t need that. I’ve watched enough episodes over the years to simply work out the plots for myself based on the preview gallery’.

Ok, fine. The truth is I’m not allowed to watch videos at work. It’s so unfair- who says you can’t drive an ambulance and watch YouTube at the same time, eh?

So here goes:

Episode One: The Return Of The Space Cowboy

Synopsis: The Doctor crash lands the TARDIS in an abandoned Welsh quarry which, for budgetary purposes, the BBC insists is the American Midwest. Cactuses (played by men called Gareth and Daffyd painted green) dot the landscape. For reasons unrelated to the plot, Amy is dressed as a slutty nurse. She and Rory head off on their own to buy doughnuts and accidentally wander into Area 51, which is actually the Newport branch of Lidl wrapped in tin
foil.

Amy has to climb up a ladder and Rory looked both aroused and confused, like a puppy in a brothel. Some aliens* appear and Amy gives them a stern telling off while Rory flaps his arms in the background and panics like a big jessie. They capture Amy, but the Doctor goes back in time to before the episode starts and stops himself from crash landing at all, so everything turns out fine in the end (although the Universe explodes a bit as a result).

*teenage boys from a nearby Cardiff housing estate with deely-bopper antennae and surly expressions

Episode Three: Something Something Pirates. Something Something Space.

Synopsis: Due to some kind of barely explained shift in the space time continuum, traditional piracy never died out on Earth and formed the basis for a world government which has now taken over the galaxy. Although to be fair, this fact isn’t entirely relevant to the plot; it’s just an excuse to have Amy dress in thigh high suede boots and a saucy pirate hat.

The space pirates* kidnap Rory and force him to dress as a parrot and sit on their shoulder solving complicated three dimensional algorithims that they then use to get free food out of vending machines.

Whenever he gets one wrong, they make him to do a sexy dance to ‘Only Girl in the World’ by Rhianna while they throw crackers at him. He’s eventually rescued by the Doctor who goes back in time to the 1700s and sinks all the pirate ships using CGI, setting history back on its rightful course (although the Universe explodes a bit as a result).

*teenage boys from a nearby Cardiff housing estate with plastic swords and surly expressions.

Episode Five: My Alien’s Got No Nose. No Nose? How Does It…oh never mind.

Synopsis: It’s the year 2131, and everyone’s faces have melted a bit because of pollution. The TARDIS crash lands on a remote space mining space facility in space which is hiding a terrible secret* that they don’t want the rest of the human race to know about. Amy is dressed as a sultry drill operative in a slash necked orange PVC jumpsuit and thigh high stiletto heeled mining boots. No one’s entirely sure what they’re doing there, so they all run around a bit until they’re captured by guards**, who immediately shoot Rory. He dies- but not before doing something incredibly noble that causes Amy to actually notice him for a few minutes. She manages to rearrange her featureless china-doll face into something resembling sadness and sheds one single, shining tear before forgetting all about him.

Rory is eventually resurrected by the Doctor, who goes back in time to a second before Rory is shot and distracts the guards by shouting ‘Paradox!’ and running away (although the Universe explodes a bit as a result).

*They’re mining incredibly adorable space kittens, teeny tiny space seals with massive, pleading eyes and sneezing panda cubs.

** teenage boys from a nearby Cardiff housing estate with plastic guns and surly expressions.

Episode Whatever: Amy Does Telos

Synopsis: Who cares? It’s got Romans and Cybermen in it. Woo!

The new series of Doctor Who starts on Saturday 23rd April at 6pm on BBC One.

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

One Response to Doctor Who- Series 6 Preview

  1. Pingback: Doctor Who- The Impossible Astronaut « Tellysquawks

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