Lip Service Series 2: Sneak Peek

Lip Service’s very own Heather Peace (who plays PC Ripley Off Of Alien) recently tweeted a picture of the script for the second series, sending the Lesbo Twittersphere into a froth of thrilled speculation.

But you don’t have to wait til it airs to find out what happens! As Tellysquawks are the best vaguely-gay-related-humorous TV blog in the world, the BBC have allowed us to publish this exclusive extract from the first episode. Enjoy!

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————————LIP SERVICE, SERIES TWO, SCENE ONE ———————–

EXT. STREET – DAY

Frankie slips down a Merchant City ALLEYWAY, her ribcage tinkling like a WINDCHIME in the harsh Glasgow breeze. She emerges in GEORGE SQUARE and purrs like a cat when she sees the statue of Queen VICTORIA.

FRANKIE: Hello, beautiful.

She lightly humps one of the QUEEN’S legs for a few minutes, then pulls out a camera and takes some pictures of her own FEET, several blurry shots of her THUMB and three of a disabled pigeon sicking up the remains of a Greggs’ STEAK BAKE before continuing on her way.

Heads turn as she saunters up QUEEN STREET, the hordes of drunken Saturday shoppers parting in front of her like the Red Sea. Or is it the Dead Sea? Some kind of SEA, anyway.

YOUNG MAN: Eh, ya skinny bint! Eat a fookin’ sausage, why don’t ye? Ah’ve got one ya can have. In ma SHORTS!

Frankie takes a blurry photograph of him and then slips into PRIMARK, shielding her face so her more affluent friends won’t realise that she has to shop there due to having virtually NO MONEY as she’s a TERRIBLE PHOTOGRAPHER and spends what little she does earn on overpriced TOUSLED RENTBOY HAIRCUTS.

INT. PRIMARK

Frankie slinks over to the ‘tank tops, skinny jeans and knock-off Converse’ section and starts sifting through the towering piles of FLIMSY SHITE. Eventually, she pulls out a size 6 T-shirt with ‘GLITTER SLAG’ written on it in sequins. She flags down a SHOP ASSISTANT: an 19 year old with a bouffant comb-over and a bag of chips in one hand.

FRANKIE: Hi. Have you got this in a size…two?

SHOP ASSISTANT: Whit are ye talking about, pal? We dinnae de sizes like that. You’re in Glesga! Ah’m the skinniest person who works here, and ah’m a size 18 tae 20.

FRANKIE: I understand. It’s just that I’ve not been eating much recently because I’ve been consumed by the overwhelming mystery of my parentage- specifically my father’s identity- and so I’ve been wandering the streets of Glasgow in a sort of fugue state, restlessly pacing and stopping to stare moodily at the river while holding a sepia tinted photograph of myself as a child.

SHOP ASSISTANT: Oh aye? So did ye work out who yer paw is?

FRANKIE: Yes (dramatic pause). He’s…my uncle.

SHOP ASSISTANT: (laughs) Och, that’s nothin’. My da’s my brother and my ma’s dad’s friend’s my cousin’s mum. Have ye no considered taking the bamstick on Jeremy Kyle? They pay you £14.50 oan top of your bus fare, n’ they’ve got a buffie backstage wi’ wee cheesey cubes oan sticks. It wus pure belter, even though ma nan called me a margarine fanny an’ punched me in the face.

Frankie looks at her, eyes hooded. She slinks over to the SHOP ASSISTANT seductively.

FRANKIE: So, how long have you been into women?

She lunges forward clumsily for a snog, but the SHOP ASSISTANT sidesteps and Frankie falls into a vat of NEON PINK BAT WINGED JUMPER DRESSES.

SHOP ASSISTANT: Whit are ye oan about, ye mauchit numptyjobbie? Ah’m no into lassies. Ah’ve goat a fella and he’ll pure belt ye in the cludgie if ye don’t back aff.

FRANKIE: (plaintively) Oh go on. Pleeeeease.

SHOP ASSISTANT: Och, all right then. Ye’re no a bad looking lass an’ ah’m quite pished. Meet me out the back in five minutes an’ ah’ll let ye see ma jars and have a wee go on my fanny.

FRANKIE: Yayyy!

——————————————————————————————————-

Stay tuned to Tellysqwawks for more exclusive extracts in the coming weeks.

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

6 Responses to Lip Service Series 2: Sneak Peek

  1. Laura says:

    Haha. You are officially a genius.

    But you missed the bit where Kat stared longingly at Frankie from afar whilst having a serious talk with some random current (but mostly normal) girlfriend.

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      Well, expect scene two to have plenty of that. And possibly a bit where Tess does something a bit dizzy and then falls over! ahahaha! HA

  2. Ali H says:

    For me the ommission of any SFX reference is heinous – particularly of the humping. Maybe we could record the sound of a DIY enthusiast sawing through a bed frame that won’t fit through the doorway.

    Ah. Maybe that’s been used already.

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      SFX reference? Eeek- don’t tell me I missed the Lip Service CGI space battle zero-G shagging scene??

  3. Cerise says:

    Ali means sound effects. But I’m sure you knew that already! ;o)

  4. Cerise says:

    WTF is that avatar? I have a monocle?!! not sure when that happened…

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