Lip Service- Episode Six

In the future, people may ask: ‘Do you remember where you were when series one of Lip Service finished?’

And I will answer: ‘Yes. I was on my couch with my fist stuffed into my mouth going ‘Aaaargh’ whilst watching the most cringeworthy sex scene in the history of sex. And scenes”

Yes, the climax (shudder) of this mixed bag of a series saw a wraithlike, bra-clad Cat finally do naughty-part touching with Frankie whilst my eyes glazed over (then finally melted) in horror.

It was the unsexiest sex I’ve ever seen; like watching a David Lynch version of the late 80s film Mannequin where the mannequin fails to come to life so instead the lead male character gently humps its cold, sculpted rear end for about 95 minutes.

In fact, here is an itemised list of things I’d rather see rather than Cat’s ghostly buttocks clenching as she rubs up against Frankie’s nether region:

a)     My mum, naked, covered in jam…

b)     …on top of Richard Madeley…

c)     …while Judy films it on her phone…

d)     …to a Coldplay soundtrack.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Sorry about that. It’s just that it’s ALL I CAN SEE every time I close my eyes. I think its permanently seared into my retina.

To be honest, the whole so-called ‘romance’ between Cat and Frankie has been a complete puzzle all along. Why would firm-jawed, smouldering Frankie – who has more onscreen spark than an early 90s firework advert starring Hale and Pace – be so utterly enamoured of crumple-faced dullard, Cat?

Cat repeatedly says that Frankie was her ‘best friend’ in an attempt to make sense of the obvious mismatch. Best friend? Seriously? I’ve got more in common with COROT-Exo-4, a yellow-white dwarf star in the constellation Monoceros than they have with each other.

In fact me and Corot are off down the pub together right now to bitch about nebulae. Want to come?

‘Awkward Bonkgate’ knocked my enjoyment-o-meter way, way down, meaning this episode rated  a mere 34.78%. It was lucky to get that – nearly every percentage point this week came from the wonderful Fiona Button, who plays Tess.

Tess is without doubt the saving grace of Lip Service – and the only character I ended up genuinely caring about. In fact she almost moved me to tears last week when she thought no one liked her, and again a few weeks before when she found out her ladyfriend Lou was boffing a bloke. She’s like a lesbian, non-rabbity version of Hazel from Watership Down. ‘Bright EYYYYES, burning like FIRE!” *weeps*

Last night’s episode saw her finally achieving her twin dreams of acting in a proper play and sexing a sexy electrician who (get this) also designs jewellery! Because – you know – being a highly skilled and dexterous manual worker just isn’t enough to get you laid in this day and age. You have to also be an artist/actor/X-Factor auditionee/comedy TV review writer in your spare time.

Ruta Gedmintas, (who plays urchin-haired rake lookalike Frankie), hasn’t performed too badly either given she’s being forced to play a character with the oddest backstory in the history of television. Is it just me, or did Frankie’s quest to discover her roots add absolutely nothing whatsoever to the storyline as a whole, other than give her a reason to look at Cat with puppy -dog eyes and sit on a step brooding like Dawson off of Dawson’s Creek?

The revelation that her uncle was actually her father was sub-Jeremy Kyle pointlessness, not to mention confusing: “so, her Aunt Carol wasn’t really her aunt? Wait, she was? Then who’s Alma then? Her mum? No, but who is she though? Just some woman Frankie’s uncle shagged? But he’s not her uncle…wait, who’s Eleanor?” etc…

The only way they could have made the revelation engaging would have been to have Frankie find out the truth while battling her uncle to the death with lightsabers inside a fully armed and operational deep fried haggis and Irn-Bru delivery van.

“Frankie. Ah’m your da’.”

“Noooooooooo!”

Etc…

It was clearly just an attempt to inject some depth to the most two dimensional character I’ve seen since Tony Hart accidentally sat on Morph halfway through the ‘Gallery’ section of Hartbeat. “Doo, doo doo doooooo, doo doo doooooo doo doo *squish*”

There was an overall feeling that the episode was only partially tying up loose ends with a half an eye (or should that be ‘aye’ – see what I did there?) on a second series- e.g. leaving the Cat/Frankie/Ripley from Alien love triangle unresolved. If so, I’m afraid I won’t be watching it if there’s even the remotest chance I might have to look at Casper-the-Friendly-Ghost-in-Drag’s spooky rutting bumcheeks again. Urgh.

Ah, who am I kidding? It’s not the best thing on TV by a long shot, but I’ll miss my weekly lesbian sub-Hollyoaks fix. In fact, I’d watch it again – although I might pre-emptively blind myself with a fork before the sex scenes just in case any of them feature Cat.

In fact… just let me write the next series. I’ll introduce a mysterious and distinguished noblewoman called Lady Ribenaberet (of the Dorchester Ribenaberets), whose mum is actually her dad’s cousin’s aunt’s butler’s dog.

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

4 Responses to Lip Service- Episode Six

  1. Sam says:

    Way too harsh on the description of “Cat’s”/Laura Fraser’s buttocks; she is a very talented actress and the part of the storyline of her dating Sam is the reason I watch the show. Laura Fraser and Heather Peace are the foundation of that show, no matter what you or any other self-righteous critic says. I bet your “butt cheeks” aren’t perfect, so don’t be casting any stones. P.S. You are not very funny at all, so I wouldn’t quit your day job and if you don’t have a day job, you’d best go out and get one.

  2. ladyribenaberet says:

    If you’d stopped to read the first section properly then you’d see that I don’t say at any point that they’re not well shaped, nicely formed bum cheeks- they are- it’s just that they’re very pale and somehow all the more startling for it. Also the slow, awkward, rhythmic clenching brought to mind someone trying to pass a particularly reluctant poo: hardly the most erotic of mental images. If you think that was the epitome of lesbian sex scenes then I suspect there’s a chance you’re doing it wrong.

    In fact, compare the above with the first L Word Shane/Carmen shagstravaganza and then look back at this awkward, badly shot rutting. Where’s the heat and passion? Surely we deserved better after all the build up?

  3. ladyribenaberet says:

    Incidentally, I do have perfect buttocks, so if any producers are reading this I’d be more than happy to be Cat off of Lip Service’s ‘butt double’ next series.

  4. ladyribenaberet says:

    AND FINALLY…’ghostly bumcheeks’ was the thing that bothered you? Really? There were so many more things you could have chosen to find offensive on behalf of Laura Fraser if you’d bothered to read the whole article. What about the bit where I call her character a ‘crumple-faced dullard’? Or where I describe her as Casper the friendly ghost in drag?

    You’ve learned a valuable life lesson here: always read the entire article before professing yourself utterly offended by it.

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