The Apprentice, Series 6: Episode 3- Lateblogged

Hello again! As I’ve mentioned before, I’m lending a hand (albeit in a very minor capacity) with the excellent Guardian Apprentice liveblog. The downside of that is that I can’t actually do this live myself, as I’m yet to perfect the art of human cloning.

Until I do, you’ll have to put up with a lateblog. Or deadblog. Or not-so-liveblog. Feel free to coin your own phrases. Anyway, on with the show!

——–

9pm. “I’m not interested in any Cautious Carols”, says Suralun. No, and nor should you be. I went out with a Cautious Carol once. It took fourteen hours for her to cross the road. Really ruined our first date, as I recall.

The candidates are roused at 6.30am this week: a whole hour later than usual. Suralun must be getting soft. They’re told they have to be at Piccadilly in 30 minutes. Yikes. I couldn’t even put my socks on at that hour- I’d stumble out of the house semi naked and then instantly pass out in the limo.

Actually, that’d make fairly good TV. I should apply for the next series.

They’re tasked with making bread products, possibly complementing the sausage-making challenge in the first week. I predict next Wednesday will see them combine their new skills and create some kind of innovative new product. Like a sausage roll.

“This is turning flour into serious dough”, says Lord Sugar, hilariously. I really wish he was my dad.

They have to bake everything they want to sell. Melissa wants to lead team whatever, as she thinks ‘selling is her bag’, and she runs a food distribution company. What is food distribution, exactly? I’d like to think it involves stapling vol au vents to a frisbee and flinging them into a crowd.

Over in team thingy, Shibby tells the girls he’ll ‘smack their bums’ if they don’t let him lead them. Anyone with ‘shameless misogyny’ on their Apprentice booze bingo card, please take a drink now.

“As a Doctor, I may be a bit of a business virgin”, says Shibby.

Business virgin, Shibby? Business virgin? Hmm.

9.10pm

Shibby makes a quick decision and opts for bread rolls and suchlike. However, Melissa on Team Probably Synergy But Possibly Apollo isn’t sure which product to opt for. Bread, muffins, toast, teacakes, buns, baps, baguettes, bagels, croissants, crumpets, pancakes, potato cakes, hot-cross buns… they all coalesce into one giant question mark in front of her stylish glasses, whilst her teammates (and Nick) roll their eyes.

9.15pm

…or 10am in Apprenticeland. Half of Team Melissa head to an industrial bakery to have a look at some flour in the hope it will lead to some bread-inspiration, while the other half brainstorm in a limo- as is traditional. “Mixed fruit jam croissants”, says Melissa, abruptly.

Er, right.

In Team Shibby, Sandeesh and Liz are making muffins and bread. However, Shibby is being a tad cocky. I think he has messianic tendencies. “Tell them we can do anything”, he says. Hmm, I’m not sure that’s true. Although if I were being pitched to I’d ask for a Massive Bread Jesus wrestling a shark, just to be awkward.

Team Melissa are pitching to a hotel who want a thousand bread rolls. “We’ll work out some costings for you,” says Melissa.

About four hours later she’s still working on them. She’s about as good at maths as I am at…er…well, maths, come to think of it. I still have awful flashbacks to my school days.

“If flour costs x, and yeast costs y, how many bread rolls can you make for z?”

*runs out of room, weeping and self harming with a calculator*

They come back into the room fifteen minutes later, and Melissa announces that each bread roll will cost…

£1.82 per unit.

Um…oh dear. If that’s how much rolls cost, then Team Melissa should never make sandwiches.

“Ham and cheese? That’ll be £15.67.”

Team Shibby do better, offering a 6p per roll price. They also offer orange croissants and ‘absolutely guarantee’ they can make 1900 baked items before breakfast tomorrow.

Hmmm. That’s a lot of baked goods- in fact that’s equivalent to the amount of pies sold per second in Bolton (I can say that because I’m from there, ok?)

9.20pm

The half of Team Shibby who are in the bakery take down the details of Shibby’s order, gaping in horror at the quantities and varieties involved.

“Croissants? We’re not making croissants!” says Liz

“We are now,” says Shibby.

He seems to think he’s leading a team of wizards. Magical bread wizards.

Liz announces she’ll make what she can. I see this going slightly badly.

Team Melissa are yet to get a commercial order, but they’re making croissants and bagels anyway. The spirit of hope lives on.

Stuart ‘Bilbo’ Bagg(in)s says that if he’d made the pitch, they’d be rolling in orders right now. Hmmm. It’d all be a bit more convincing and impressive  if he wasn’t completely blank-eyed and wearing a shower cap and smock. He looks like he’s on day release from a local institution: and I don’t mean the Greggs Academy for Excellence in Baking.

9.25pm

Lord Sugar’s lined up a top restaurant that needs baguettes and buns. Shibby’s right on it. He offers to make 100, but Paloma thinks they could deliver 600. Hmm, that’s really quite bonkers. Shibby is moderately sensible and says he could only do that if they want the sun dried tomato recipe he’s already making for the other outlet.

The top restaurant feel slighted by this. They want unique, special bread made just for them. They start weeping quietly when he turns them down.

That’s not true, but they definitely looked hurt. Wounded, even. I don’t think they’ll ever trust another baker ever again.

However, Shibby announces they’re not ‘supermen’ and turns the restaurant down entirely. The manager promptly runs out of the room, rents all the Bridget Jones films, buys a litre of Haagen Dazs and eats it all whilst weeping hysterically. Ok, fine. That’s not true either. But I bet he was crying on the inside.

No, your team aren’t supermen, Shibby. They’re Bread Wizards, remember?

9.28pm

Back at Bread Wizard HQ, Shibby’s in hot water over his massive massive stupid order. The bakery closes at midnight, it’s 8pm and they have to make a bazillion floury treats before then. It’s not looking good, frankly.

However, over in Team Melissa, they’re churning out carbohydrates faster than the entire Warburtons family- and that includes little Billy Warburton, the bread impressario and subject of the hit musical ‘Billy Warburton’.

5.30am- today, the teams will be selling to the public. There’s nothing like a bit of exhausted bread-peddling to sort the men from the boys. Or the women from the girls. Or, indeed, the idiots from the not-idiots.

Team Shibby head to see ‘Sean the Hotel Chap’ with about 1% of the bread products that they’d offered. Out of the 1000 bread rolls they’d promised, they provided…

….

16.

Unless Shibby is Jesus, the hotel guests are going to be very, very hungry. Not to mention cross.

Shibby has to pay him compensation of £130. Things aren’t looking good for Dr No- bread.

9.30pm Team Melissa have created a monstrous glace-cherry muffin…thing. The shop manager thinks glace cherries are far too retro. Tsk, it’s hardly as if they’re topped with flying saucers and Black Jacks. What a git.

To get rid of the excess bread produce, they head to the nearest market in traditional Apprentice style.

Melissa chats rather impressively in French to some punters.

They look at her blankly.

“Sorry. I thought you were French”

(think that was the highlight of the episode for me)

Team Shibby up the prices of their muffins, bread rolls and suchlike to make up for their epic failiure at the hotel.

“Want a bread roll, sir? That’ll be £42. What do you mean. It’s not overpriced at all. There’s, like, sun dried tomatoes in it and stuff and things.”

Alex announces to Melissa that he got an A* in his maths GCSE.

Great, Alex. So did 89% of the population. Er, apart from me, obviously

NOooooOOOOOooOOOO!

Ahem, sorry about that. My last ever maths lesson was only 14 years ago. It’s still so raw, so very raw. I can still hear the screams. Because they were mine, and I’m making them now. *self harms with a calculator*

THE BOARDROOM!

Aha! Team Melissa were Synergy all along. See, I didn’t cheat, pause or rewind or I’d have known that. I’m very well behaved.

Melissa wants to know why ‘A*’ Alex didn’t help her in the pitch. I’m not sure why it was because I was- yet again- distracted by his terrifying eyebrows. They speak to me and tell me to burn things.

Suralun wants to know if Shibby was “Dr Dolittle, or Did-A-Lot’

Ahahaha. Oh Alan. Lol, etc.. He’s like a young Bernard Manning.

Synergy sold £999 worth of bread products- making a profit of £859.87. Proving once again that Britain is a nation of big fat carb-addicted breadophiles.

Team ApolloShibby, on the other hand made a profit of £665.99

Oh, if only he’d not promised the moon on a stick to Sean the Hotel Chap. Bread moons are notoriously hard to make. It’s all in the kneading.

Team Synergymelissa get an exciting prize- they’re off to eat Eastern Food. Tsk, if I were him I’d have got them all a Greggs Steak Bake and a bag of mini donuts. Ain’t there a Credit Crunch on?

9.45pm

Team Shibbyrobatisynergy (try saying that with a mouthful of bagel) are back in the boardroom.

You accepted an order for 1900, says SurAlan. WTF?

(Ok, he didn’t actually say ‘WTF’, but his face did)

Shibby says he was pressurised by Paloma, and if it were up to her he’d have had to make 4000.

Why stop there, Shibby? “She’s INSANE. If I hadn’t have stopped her she’d have offered them a million, a bazillion, A GOOGOLPLEX OF ROLLS”

Shibby thinks Sandeesh should have walked around with her top off to attract customers.

I officially hate him. He’s not even a surgeon, by the way. He’s a failure. A massive failure. He should take his top off to attract Suralun- it’s the only way he’ll avoid being fired.

Shibby decides to bring Sandeesh and Paloma back into the boardroom. Bad idea- they could eat him for dinner- if they hadn’t already filled up on bread.

“Why’s Sandeesh here?” says Suralun

“She just came along for the ride,” says Shibby.

Bet that’s what he says to all the girls.

*drinks*

Apparently, Sandeesh offered to help Suralun achieve ‘world domination’ on her ‘res-yume-ay’.

Is she confusing him with his counterpart, Darth Sugar?

The usual Circus of Childish Recrimination unfolds. It’s like watching a war crimes tribunal in the Night Garden.

“Shibby, after a thorough examination, I’ve got some bad news for yer”, says Suralun.

“You’ve got cancer”.

Not really! (Sorry) He’s just FIYUD. But you probably saw that coming, due to the fact he was utterly totally rubbish.

Well, that’s that for another week. I’m very happy to see the back of Shibby, frankly. He was more misogynistic than the love child of Roy Chubby Brown and Gene Hunt, but with none of the former’s fashion sense or the latter’s animal magnetism.

GOODNIGHT!

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

11 Responses to The Apprentice, Series 6: Episode 3- Lateblogged

  1. Stephanie bingletastic says:

    Well well you blogged to sweet perfection on this episode and had me shedding a tear with your wit. I choked a bit reading it out aloud in high speed to my other half it was too hard for laughing!
    See you next week.
    Blog about true blood next, that’d be lovely.

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      Oh Binglebum- you’re far too complimentary! Suspect you were drunk when you read this. I once watched a ‘comedy’ film called The Guru after a few pints. I laughed like a drain, then watched it sober some weeks later with a stony expression. It was awful.

      But thanks! x

  2. Tim says:

    Beautifully written.

    Both project managers were terrible this week, but Melissa got lucky.

    I have a little (but not much) sympathy for Shibby. He was 100% right to walk away from the second order because he was aware of the team’s capacity issues. But he handled the situation terribly in front of the customer. He should have had a plan beforehand.

    Personally, I would have bumped up the price to the customer and limited the maximum volume. That way, if you lose the order you do so without losing face, and if you win the order, you maximise profit and prioritise that order over the other one (where they were going to make the square root of bugger all profit).

    Generally speaking, the commercial deals were a bit of a red herring. Hotels & retailers are always going to squeeze suppliers on margin, so the teams would not have made much profit for a hell of a lot of work. It would have been better to focus 100% on producing muffins (and maybe croissants) for passing trade in Covent Garden. That’s where the big profit margins were there to be made.

    My vaguely live thoughts are here:
    http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2010/10/21/the-apprentice-episode-3-synergy-make-dough-while-shibby-goes-doh/

  3. kate h says:

    This is the episode that nails the lie that Lord S. is required to sack competent but untelegenic contestants over mental but ratings-grabbing ones. Shibby was clearly excellent television and should have been retained for many more weeks, certainly above and beyond Ms Passive-Aggressive, Sandeesh. (Like Laura she has Psycho Eyes, unlike Laura she actually seems to be a psycho, but I’m afraid the nicknames have stuck in my head.)

    It was one of those episodes where I wanted both sides to lose, because both PMs made such horrible mistakes that you wanted to see both eviscerated. As it is, the bakery sections should be shown in organisational behaviour seminars around the country: Melissa was lucky to have people who could handle the ground game without her involvement. Shibby (I almost wrote Slippy) seems to have split his team entirely so that he could spend the first day hanging out with the hot babes.

    ” I couldn’t even put my socks on at that hour- I’d stumble out of the house semi naked and then instantly pass out in the limo.” Oooh, stop it Lady R. This isn’t Lip Service!

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      What do you mean? Everyone wants to think about NAKED SEXY RIBENABERET in a limo, surely.

      Totally agree that both team leaders were Proper Pants. He should have fired the bladdy lot of them. They didn’t have a Bladdy Clue. Tsk.

      • kate h says:

        Oh I do want to think about it. The problem is now I can’t stop thinking about it!

        *Ahem*.

        Anyway: suggested drinking game for this episode. Take a drink every time Sibby says “y’know”. The winner is the first to die of liver failure.

  4. Apprenticles says:

    Once again for your pre-recorded blog, thank you Ribs. Does anyone else get the feeling that this series is a bit … I don’t know how to describe it; flat, perhaps? I am not finding it as gripping as usual. Has it begun its inevitable decline, or after five previous series am I simply on the threshold of being all wankered out?

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      Yes, I glazed over a tad during the fashion one. Which is a shame, as they had a dress made from ties and everything. I know what you mean about being wankered out- I think my enjoyment peaked when I watched Michael Sophocles chasing a bloke down the road demanding he buy a car. Or something. Also Phillip’s ‘Pantsman’ dance was truly inspired.

      Maybe we’ve become hardened to televisual idiocy? Although having said that, Baggs makes my fists itch…

      • Apprenticles says:

        What has happened to your Apprentice iPlogs? Even if you can’t do it live you still have an audience — and, if I may be so bold — the quality of the comments you’re unearthing on the Guardian LiveBlog is well below what you write yourself, so you’re wasted.
        Anyway, back to the irksome Baggs … I am so glad the ladies won his task for him otherwise he would definitely have been fired, and he is far too good as entertainment value to be wasted until near the end when he is all sweaty and puffed up thinking he has a chance of winning.
        Of the others, Chris Nice But Dim is a nasally whining twat with no redeeming qualities, and Jamie a truculent little child when it’s not going his way — so I’d like to see one of them going next.

  5. kate h says:

    We need more blogs Lady R. Apar from anything else, I still haven’t been able to apologise properly for the post where I got, ahem, overenthusiastic about Ribenaberet nudity. Also, there was a decent close-up beret on yesterday’s episode, which made me think that they’d roped in Lucinda for a cameo.

    But mainly, I want to comment on how much Stuart’s ludicrous prices for his cruddy Cockney tour, followed by the fraudlent promise of “a whole field of ponies”, reminded me of the Lapland New Forest fiasco.

    • Apprenticles says:

      Yes Ribs — we want more blogs — I’ll be organising a protest in Parliament Square if there is no change in your current policy of ignoring your fans.

      Everything about Stuart IS ludicrous. The trouble is, I can imagine him becoming wealthy simply because he is so pushy and irritating that people will pay him just to get him to fuck off.

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