Why yes, I AM getting tired of flathunting. How can you tell?

From: Mark <mark@xxxresidential.co.uk>
Date: Tue, Aug 31, 2010 at 8:43 PM
Subject: RE: Citylets: Your Ref 255952,
To: Hilary <hilary@xxx.com>

Hi Hilary

Sincere apologies for the delay in getting back to you about this. Would you still be interested in viewing this one?

If so, please contact me on ______________

Kind regards,

Mark.

From: Hilary <hilary@xxx.com>
Date: Tue, Aug 31, 2010 at 10:55 PM
Subject: Re: Citylets: Your Ref 255952,
To: Mark <mark@xxxresidential.co.uk>

Hi Mark. It’s ok, I saw it. Fear not!

As I recall, it was from the ‘sadshack/woedwelling’ school of architecture with a stained grey carpet that brought to mind Jackson Pollock during his “engine oil, Coca-Cola and grave dirt” period.

I was also intrigued by the scanty, minimalistic furnishings, of which there were four: a two seater sofa that possibly used to belong to my Great Aunt Bessie, a woman of such spectacular bad taste that she once married a Tory. Not to mention that basic, cube-shaped double bed with no headboard, the plywood wardrobe and the…I want to say table. It was hard to tell. It may have just been some bricks

Some might say that a flat with only four or five pieces of furniture doesn’t really qualify as being ‘fully furnished’. But not me. Or your letting agency, clearly.

Laura encouraged us to use our imagination and imagine it cleaned up a bit, but I doubt Shakespeare himself could have envisioned a way that carpet could be made whole again. To crudely paraphrase Macbeth “”Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this (miscellaneous stain)/ Clean from my (carpet)?

In fact, it’s so old it’s become sentient. You should tell any future tenant that the carpet is called Brian and he likes red wine and, possibly, treacle. Treat Brian kindly, it’s not his fault.

I saw a beautiful fully furnished flat with a lovely new fitted kitchen, separate lounge, modern furnishings, wood floors and dishwasher for £25 less than this flat and just round the corner. Perhaps the landlord should consider a more realistic price and stop wasting people’s time- or is he hoping to net a confused foreign student who doesn’t know how much things should cost?

I’m not getting at you personally, but I do sometimes feel your agency take on the flats that no one else will, at prices that bear little relation to current market rates for similarly dilapidated properties.

All the best,

Hilary

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

3 Responses to Why yes, I AM getting tired of flathunting. How can you tell?

  1. Brennig says:

    Excellent. You are turning in to http://www.27bslash6.com/AGL.html
    🙂

  2. Gizmo says:

    Hey, found your comments on the grauniad’s Derren Brown thread most amusing!

    I really want a shot on that crocodile simulator now. 😀

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