Britain’s Next Top Model- Week One Liveblog

Hello!

I’ve only ever watched this show by accident, almost always when hungover on a Sunday, the models all blurring into identical long pink streaks of hair and teeth that, for some reason, invariably make me crave a Greggs sausage roll.

This is the first series I’m going to actually watch from the start. Wish me luck.

Ooh, look, an audition. I didn’t realise they had those. I thought the lanky ladies just spontaneously emerged from thin air and trace elements. Which, ironically, is what the contestants ate for dinner last night.

9.02pm- They’ve been deposited at a stately home. I really hope their audition is to solve a murder mystery. I reckon it was Elle McPherson in the pantry with a Ryvita…

Hmm, they’re being given uniforms and told to report to ‘class’. It’s like Anorexic St Trinians.

“Sadly, outside my mum’s I got, like, run over once,” says a bored sounding single parent with a scar. She’s clearly going to win: SHE HAS A WONKY ARM.

Some girl from Leeds has a phobia of her toes touching each other. That is all.

“I want to get to know her!” squeals a girl from Dublin after meeting ‘Miss McPherson’ for the first time.

You won’t. You’re just bleating telly fodder, my dear. Sorry.

Jeeping buggerflaps! I just flipped over to Twitter for a minute and discovered that ELLE MCPHERSON IS 47.

47!? She looks about 29. I think they should check the attic of that stately home for a withered, cadaverous portrait of her.

9.17pm- the first photoshoot. It’s just the model, in a room, in front of a screen. It looks like they’re getting in the way of a Powerpoint presentation. I can’t believe how Lo-Fi it is- I’m used to the US version, where the girls are painted blue and hung upside down from helicopters astride a stuffed unicorn while Tyra Banks flies by on a broomstick screaming at them to HOLD THE POSE.

Marie, from Manchester, has eyes that are so far apart I’m pretty sure she’s actually a horse. She’s also a lesbian, something that came as a surprise to an 18 year old Scouse contestant (Delita) who ‘can’t believe a pretty girl like ‘er would ‘ave a full time berd.’

I quite like that. ‘Full time berd’. I might have that printed on a t-shirt and give it to my ladyfriend.

9.25pm- Ah, they’re now walking up and down a fairly short runway in a room with a headache inducing, early-90s-leisure-centre carpet. Marie the hammerhead lesbian is walking like a horse. Prancing, even. I’m fighting an almost overwhelming urge to feed her a polo mint and brush her shiny mane.

Simone from East Yorkshire falls over. ‘Ur Nur!’ as she herself might say. The chap who’s overseeing them is very forgiving, which is odd as Tyra Banks would have called her a disgrace and beaten her half to death with a stilleto.

I like Tyra. She’d be an ace Bond Villain.

Bond: So, you expect me to talk?!

Tyra: TALK? TAAALK?! No, Mr Bond, MODELS NEVER TALK!!!! They WALK. Into that shark tank over there. Smile for the camera. HOLD THE POSE

9.37pm- They’re now being forced to parade in front of the judges in their bikinis. SurAlun Sugar might describe his as the ‘job interview from HELL’, but at least the Apprentice candidates don’t have to fight for their place in the Digital Signage division whilst wearing Speedos.

Oh…oh but they should. I’m actually writing to the BBC right now.

9.43pm- The mini-McPhersons are herded into the library to be told that five are about to be sent home. They’re going to have to look in their lockers, and if there isn’t a blazer in there, they’re going home.

How silly is that? I think they…arrgh!

Sorry, that leisure centre carpet just made a reappearance in the locker room and temporarily blinded me.

That’s-Not-How-You-Spell-Amba thinks that opening that locker was the ‘hardest thing she’s ever had to do.’

I really wish I was her. the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is tell Tyra Banks I gave her a full fat Coke by accident. She stabbed my face off.

Five girls don’t get blazers, so they cry a bit. One of them, a redhead, is ridiculously pretty and I’ve no idea why they’ve sent her home. I suppose being a model isn’t about looks, it’s about…er…

Um.

Another evictee admitted in the bikini round that she had bits of plastic under her skin. Clearly this terrified Miss McPherson, who thought she was some kind of cyborg.

Nice comment below from Chris Fletcher:

“My missus watches this every series – the only one to have become famous is Abbie Clancy. Therefore my tip is forget the show and shag a footballer.”

They should just skip this whole audition/photoshoot carnival and set the girls up with premiership stars. First one to pull automatically wins a two page spread in Heat. And gets made into a Panini sticker.

9.53pm- the girls are split into groups for the photoshoot. The first set are ‘geeks’. In true televisual style, this involves tying their hair back and giving them an oversized pair of Diedre-from-coronation-street-circa-1987 glasses. Kirsty licks an apple salaciously, whilst dressed in a combination of 90s cushion covers and lace doilies.

Surely geeks wear Twilight t-shirts rather than bits of chintz sofa? No?

The second group are the ‘sporty’ ones. They’re basically given some hockey sticks, shorts and tracky bottoms. Again, very different from the US version. They’d have been dressed in silver luge suits and forced to do the Olympic run in Vancouver that killed a bloke. While Tyra screamed at them over a tannoy to HOLD THE POSE.

Sorry, really must stop comparing the two versions.

Nicola from Coventry (who looks like a young Chesney Hawkes) is excited to be a ‘cool’ girl as she was a geek at school. And by ‘geek’ she clearly means ‘lumberjack’, judging by her shirt.

Unfortunately the ‘cool’ group actually look like a bunch of geeky, emo, Twilight loving goth chicks. They should really swap them with the doily-wearing apple teasers. Those big glasses are really in at the moment, dontcherknow?

Never mind, Chesney. Never mind.

10.12pm- The judges are poring over the photos, calling the girls clumsy-featured, big-jawed, flat-nosed harpies with big boring faces, while Elle McPherson disagrees blandly.

‘She’s got to learn to use her face in a different way’, says Lady With Big Glasses (see, I told you they were ‘in’)

How, exactly? Should she swap it with her elbow? Draw a second nose on her chin?

Aha! I’ve FINALLY realised who the elfin featured, dark haired lass reminds me of. She’s the double of Sissy Spacek. You know, from Carrie.

The other girls should focus on being really, really nice to her. They shouldn’t, for example, douse her in pig’s blood at a prom-themed photoshoot.

10.21pm- Elle reads out the names of the 13 girls going through. Yay! Chesney Hawkes got through. As did That’s-Not-How-You-Spell-Amba. Excellent. But not horse-lesbian or (surprisingly) single-parent-with-a-wonky-arm.

Oooh, surprise! After reading out the 13 names, Elle gets all superstitious and tricksy. She reads out a fourteenth name: Susan from Dublin, who sobs and clutches her chest with relief like someone being told their cancer diagnosis was just the doctor’s little joke. ‘LOL! Not really!’

To the rejects, Elle spouts some nonsense about ‘disappointment being an opportunity in disguise.’

I’m sure that’s how she feels whenever she reaches for the loo roll only to find it’s actually run out. ‘It’s a DISPORTUNITY!’ she cries as she tears up the cardboard tube.

Oh, look at that, it’s over.

Well, we now have our squad of hunger-crazed, odd looking ladies. How exciting. I feel sorry for the ones that got kicked out, but my inner feminist can’t help but hope it’ll motivate them to give up modelling and enrol on an Astrophysics degree course instead.

In fact, let’s just bin all this modelling malarkey and replace it with ‘Britain’s Next Top Primordial Quark-Gluon Plasma Expert’ instead. Stephen Hawking could present it.

“This-week’s-task-is-to-write-and-host-an-episode-of Horizon-about-stellar-nucleosynthesis.’

No? Ok, FINE. Let’s keep watching thin girls fall over in silly shoes. FINE. Whatever.

Night!

Advertisements

About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

2 Responses to Britain’s Next Top Model- Week One Liveblog

  1. My missus watches this every series – the only one to have become famous is Abbie Clancy. Therefore my tip is forget the show and shag a footballer. Nice opening blog comment though

  2. Brennig says:

    Awesome, as usual.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: