ILL

Today I am ill. My face itches, my nose itches, I can’t stop sneezing. I have….a COLD.

This is what I look like:

This is a drawing by someone called Allie Brosh. She writes the funniest blog ever. The reason I know it’s the funniest blog ever is because it made me laugh so much earlier that I forgot I was poorly. Until I sneezed and the snot went all over my glasses and the computer monitor and also on the cat a little bit.

I hate being ill. It makes me crave odd things like Bird’s Custard- despite the fact it looks like whatever the hell is coming out of my face at the moment.

Being ill also makes me terrible at cooking.

Tonight I attempted to make dinner by putting every single dried pulse and bean I owned in a large pan and boiling the hell out of them, hoping against hope that soup would happen.

It didn’t.

This happened instead:

YES! I invented a new kind of meal- Solid Soup. It’s a lot more portable than normal soup. You can just grab a handful and carry it down the road. Worried about scalding yourself? Don’t be! It’s cold!

In conclusion, I don’t think ill people should have to make their own meals. They should recline in softly lit rooms under cool linen sheets while a harpist plays in one corner and nurses in starched white uniforms bring them endless cold glasses of orange juice, beaded with condensation and filled with clinking ice cubes…

Instead, I’m off to the kitchen to put some soya milk, icing sugar and custard powder in a mug and microwave it hopefully. Wish me luck!

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

3 Responses to ILL

  1. ladyribenaberet says:

    I am eating my solid soup RIGHT NOW. It tastes mainly of barley.

    Which is quite odd as I didn’t put any barley in it.

  2. ladyribenaberet says:

    Have decided to rename my solid soup ‘carroty porridge’ and market it as a New Thing. Soon, there will be Carroty Porridge bars in all the main UK cities and I will be RICHER THAN JESUS

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      What do you mean, Jesus wasn’t rich? He could have owned a string of wine bars. What a chump! Sir Alun would have fired him, fo’ sho.

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