Catholics 1, Gays 0

Apparently the Catholic Church has a problem with people adopting gays. This is an outrage, especially given I’ve been petitioning Angelina Jolie to adopt me for years. I’m just as adorable as any other stalker, for goodness sa…

Oh. Ignore that. Apparently gay couples shouldn’t be able to adopt children. Ah. Sorry.

According to this Guardian article, Mr Justice Briggs (incidentally, I plan to call any child of mine ‘Justice’ to ensure that it either becomes a judge or a superhero) has given adoption agency Catholic Care exemption from the sexual orientation regulations – meaning that unlike every other UK adoption agency, they are permitted to turn away nasty, grubby child-stealing gays.

CUT TO: (Int- adoption office)

Colin: Hello! I’m a millionaire television presenter and interior designer

Justin: So am I!

Colin: We’ve been together since 1985!

Justin: He’s right! I LOVE YOU COLIN.

Colin: I love you too, Justin. I can’t wait to renew our vows on our  25th anniversary, which is on April 28, 2010.

Justin: We have houses in London, Toronto and Glasgow. All of them with room for a pony. Can we please adopt a child? We would love it dearly and shower it with gifts and teach it a lot about feng shui.

Catholic Adoption Official: Go away, you devils! You’re terrible role models! Also, could you please sign my copy of ‘The Million Pound Property Experiment’ – published by BBC Worldwide in 2004, which went on to win WH Smith’s People’s Choice Lifestyle Book of The Year?

Colin: No.


About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at

5 Responses to Catholics 1, Gays 0

  1. Partha says:

    I think it’s time all adoption agencies make stupid restrictions about who they’ll place children with, and then claim that as their religious right.
    I Just need to invent a religion that really hates left-handed people, or people with names ending with a vowel…

    In other news, so, angry…can’t type…

  2. Matthew says:

    To be honest, the people in your scenario would never find a child due to the even more ridiculous principle that people should be adopted into a similar background that they come from.

  3. Mark says:

    I have no objection to gay people adopting kids, however Justin and Colin surely shouldn’t even be allowed to keep goldfish due to them being annoying as fuck.

  4. Louis Gans says:

    This is like my fourth time stopping over your site. Regularly I do not make comments on homepage, but I have to mention that this article really pushed me to do so. Really fantastic post .

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