‘Streeps and Spleens’ a.k.a. Twitter Hath Spoken

So, I decided to ask the land of Twitter (a whimsical, merry place) for blog topic suggestions. And ended up with Meryl Streep, Spleen/Baleen whales, marmosets and beverage holders. Well, never let it be said that I don’t rise to a challenge. In this edition, we’ll be dealing with Streep and whales, but fear not, marmosets and beverage holders are never far behind. Never. You should fear them.

Topic the first: Meryl Streep

Mary Louise “Meryl” Streep (born June 22, 1949) is an American actress who has worked in theatretelevision, and film. She is widely regarded as one of the most talented and respected movie actors of the modern era. (Did you know her name was actually Mary Louise? No, me neither).

OK, fine, that was from Wikipedia, but I didn’t read anything else on the page. Tell you what, I’ll summarise the few facts I that I can actually piece together from my very own addled brain without resorting to the fount of knowledge that is Google.

Things I know about Meryl Streep

  1. She is really called Mary Louise (thanks Wikipedia)
  2. She was in The Devil Wears Prada. She played the Devil.
  3. She was in that made for TV movie about Kramer from Seinfeld
  4. She played Sophie in the film Sophie’s Choice. I think she had to decide whether she preferred Coke or Pepsi but I might be wrong about that.
  5. She was in Mamma Mia. She played Meryl Streep. It was set in Greece or somewhere sunny and she was someone’s mother or something.
  6. Um, was she married to Jack Nicolson? Or was that someone else?
  7. She’s probably been a guest voice in The Simpsons. Most people have. I played Labia Gayladi, Selma’s Greco-Iranian love interest.
  8. She’s alive.

So, what have we learned from that? Well, quite a lot, actually. But mainly that I wouldn’t win a pub quiz if one of the rounds was to name every film Meryl Streep has been in, but I WOULD win if one of the questions was ‘Is Meryl Streep alive?’

Topic the second: Spleen and Baleen Whales

Ok, so the first thing I learned from this topic (and from Wikipedia) is that there is no such thing as a ‘spleen’ whale. Clearly ‘spleen’ was meant to be a separate topic from Baleen. However, I don’t care. In fact I’ve drawn this picture of what a spleen whale would look like if it existed.

I sent this picture to Greenpeace and it’s now listed as Critically Endangered. Well done @mrboffly, denizen of the Land of Twitter, for drawing the world’s attention to the plight of this noble yet rather genetically disadvantaged beast. You see, the spleen whale (or ‘wrong whale’) is allergic to sea water, which causes it to burp uncontrollably and occasionally vomit white goo out of it’s spurtyhole. This attracts the attention of nearby predators such as crabs, seagoats and  mermaids who rip it into tiny shreds. It has no natural means of escape as it is a flipperless whale and its tail is, sadly, a bit shit.

Also, funnily enough, there is no such thing as a baleen whale either (double whalefail). It’s actually that filtery hair stuff they have instead of teeth that they use to hoover up plankton. Baleen whales, rather than being a distinct species, are in fact any type of whale that feeds using baleen. From Wikipedia: “The baleen whales, also called whalebone whales or great whales, form the Mysticeti,” Which, I think we can all agree, is a very cool word.

In fact, I think Mysticeti sounds like the wizard branch of the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. Unsurprisingly, they’ve found a great deal more than the regular branch of SETI, however they’re not allowed to tell us about it because we’re Muggles.

So, what have we learned from this exercise? One- never ask Twitter for blog topics. Two- Meryl Streep is alive. Three- there is no such thing as a Spleen whale, however if one existed it would be shit. And four- there is a lot that the Mysticeti aren’t telling us. Damn you, secretive astronomer-wizards. DAMN YOU.


About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

2 Responses to ‘Streeps and Spleens’ a.k.a. Twitter Hath Spoken

  1. Ian Hewett says:

    Plus, Meryl Streep is an anagram of Try Eel Sperm, Rest My Leper, Try REM Sleep,and Pry Elm Trees. Versatile.

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      Wow, I think every one of those suggestions should be made into a film starring Meryl Streep. I’m pretty sure she’d win an Oscar for ‘Rest, My Leper’.

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