20 Blogs…IN ONE!

I’ll admit it: I have trouble coming up with topics to write about. I like my blog. I like the parrot motif. I like its name. However, actually coming up with a post is another story. Or at least it would be, if I could come up with one.

To try and ease my bloggers-block I googled ‘blog topics’ and came up with this unbridled shite-extravaganza from some ridiculous, humourless social media gimp. But, never one to let an opportunity (or 20) pass me by, I’ll give it a go.

“Here’s 20 Blog/Podcast Topics I Hope YOU Write:” (It’s ARE. ‘Here ARE 20 Blog topics’, you twunt)

1 How I Use Facebook

Well, usually I just turn my computer on my punching and stamping on it, flail wildly at the keys until by some happy chance I somehow stumble upon the site then proceed to grunt and drool and prod photographs of other people’s friends until my concerned handlers pull me away. So yeah, the usual way really. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

2 Ways I Embrace My Audience

Ah, this is an easy one. I usually take off all my clothes, then leap from the stage and run frantically up and down the aisles until I find an alarmed looking, flustered middle aged woman who I proceed to throw my arms around whilst sobbing wildly and occasionally shouting random words like ‘bag’, ‘oven glove’, ‘gravy’ and ‘nonce.’

3 Should My Town Use Social Media?

Dear God, no. Edinburgh’s far too genteel for that. Scone?

4 A Community I Love

What’s the one on the Sims called? You know, where all the Sims live? Anyway, that one. Or possibly Vice City.

5 Technology That Empowers Me

My magic butt battery that I stick up my butt.

6 How Flickr Did it Right

By rmvng th vwl. N ne lks fckng vwls.

7 How Best to Comment on a Corporate Blog

“Dudes, you’ve like, TOTALLY sold out. Like, totally, man. Woah.”

8 Ways to Save a Bad Time at a Conference

Get really, really drunk, jump up on stage and punch the motivational speaker, then piss all over the front row.

9 How I Find Blogging Ideas

By googling, clicking on the first pointless, bland and nonsensical website I come across and then copying and pasting a list of blogging ideas into my blog. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

10 Somebody Has to Say It

CUNTYFLAPS

11 My Children Will Do it Differently

Yeah, because, like, they’ll have hovercars and shit. We didn’t have FUCKING HOVERCARS in my day, you spoilt little bastards. Now get me another gin and future-tonic (which tastes just like regular tonic but makes you fart hologrammatic butterflies).

12 How Schools Could Use Social Media

By giving each and every kid an iPhone and posting all lessons on YouTube disguised as humorous cat videos. “The acceleration (A) of an object is proportional to the force (F) acting on it, which is clearly demonstrated here by footage of a cat spinning round on a Roomba. Look at the kitteh! Lookit! Looooook.”

“Our next lesson is music. Play us in, Keyboard Cat.”

13 The Best Parts of Marketing

Probably Arke and Eti. But definitely Ting. That’s my favourite. TING!

14 Presentation Skills for a New Conversation

WHAT?! What does that even mean?

“Hi Joe. Thinking of starting a conversation with me? Why not take a seat and I’ll run you through my PowerPoint guide to making small talk.

‘Slide 1- the Weather’.”

15 How I Find Time to Make Media

I take shitloads of cheap Eastern European speed, wash it down with Tesco own brand energy drink and then film myself doing the Macarena in Union Jack underwear and post it on YouTube (where it’s instantly downloaded by a horde of teenagers who think it’s their latest citizenship seminar).

16 Empower Your Best Customers

I usually just set mine up as dictators of small Central American republics.

17 After the Event- Carrying the Conversation Forward

“Frank! Hi! I’d just like to say how much I enjoyed the Event. Now, what say you and I score some coke and head over to the Red Light District to pick up some ladyboys? What do you mean, ‘no’? How else are you meant to end a Tory Party Conference?”

18 Just Jump Into Podcasting- Heres How

Yeah, like, record youself talking about stuff and stick it on the internet so people can download it, innit? Although no one will because you’re A MASSIVE DICK.

19 My Community and How You Can Engage It

Become a drug dealer.

20 Twitter Jaiku Pownce Facebook- And Then What

I’ve invented a new social networking site. It’s called Catface. It superimposes the face of a cat onto your profile picture. It’s going to be FUCKING HUGE.

Well, that’s all from me. I’m going to and mess around on Catface now. After that, I’ll probably take a shitload of cheap speed and do some podcasting. Laterz yo.

Advertisements

About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

4 Responses to 20 Blogs…IN ONE!

  1. RobM67 says:

    That made me laugh – thanks! Mind you, I laughed more at the “lucky travelling hat” part of your adventures, and also the bit about the landlady’s accent consisting of whale-song. Oh, and Steve god of boats. So if I was to draw a graph (and believe me, that’s exactly the sort of thing I would do) it might show a downward trend.
    OK, now I’ve lost my thread. Oh yes – from one stranger to another, thanks for brightening my day. And good luck with that magic battery.

    • ladyribenaberet says:

      Hi Rob! Glad you liked it, thanks very much for the comment. I’m not entirely sure what on earth the theme of my blog is, or indeed what the point is, so it’s always very gratifying when someone actually reads and appreciates it. All the best! Hilary

  2. Kryzler Steaks says:

    Number 5 sounds like something from anne summers

  3. ladyribenaberet says:

    Yeah, it is. They’re on sale at the moment. You should get one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: