Attention Deficit Film Disorder (ADFD)

Hello! I’m currently three quarters of the way through the latest Bond film (Quantum of Solace) as part of my week long attempt to watch a film a day. You see, I didn’t watch any films in 2008. Well, not that I can recall anyway. I occasionally remember thinking ‘huh, maybe I should go and see that,’ but I didn’t, mainly because the thought of having to sit still and pay attention for such a prolonged period of time was fairly daunting.

I didn’t always have such a pathetically short attention span. Before the internet condensed all entertainment into pithy, bite sized, interactive pieces I could sit and watch films that were whole HOURS long, like the Lord of the Rings trilogy and suchlike. Now, unless I can pause it every few seconds and say silly things on Twitter I feel like Alex in a Clockwork Orange (a film that I managed to watch in its entirety), strapped into my chair with matchsticks propping my eyes open.

Now, bearing in mind that it’s under two hours long, I’ve now been watching Quantum of Solace for about three hours and I still have twenty minutes left to go according to Megavideo.  I just watched another few seconds: Bond asked some girl who looks a bit like Myleene Klass if she’d ever killed anyone. She gave him a slightly scathing look and then lost interest, much like myself.

It’s the fourth film I’ve watched this week. The first, Central do Brasil, was a 1998 Oscar-nominated Brazilian film about a rather bitter and jaded middle-aged woman working at the main train station in Rio. She befriends an orphaned boy and…well, it’s fairly predicable but not remotely as mawkish as you’d expect. I sat through the entire thing with only a half-hour break while Michele went to the shop to buy toilet roll and strawberry laces (it was so glamorous, just like being at Cannes).

The second was How To Lose Friends and Alienate People starring Simon Pegg. I mention Pegg as his presence was my only reason for watching it. However, my favourite little plump-faced nerdy cherub let me down for once: it was cock-awful. Loosely based on a fictionalised account of the experiences of a British journalist (called ‘Some Bloke Who Went To Work For A Big Name Glossy New York Magazine After Working For A Much Smaller UK Magazine And At First Resisted Then Sold Out Then Resisted Again And Ended Up Snogging Kirsten Dunst’ or something) it tells the story of some bloke who went to work for a big name, glossy New York magazine after working for a much smaller UK magazine and at first resisted, then sold out, then resisted again and ended up snogging Kirsten Dunst. Or something.

Anyway, it was awful. Pegg tries his best, but the horrendous, wooden acting of Kirsten ‘I only have two expressions and one of them is THIS and the other one is the same’ Dunst and the even more horrendous and wooden (and plastic) Megan ‘robot-not-in-disguise’ Fox really under-shines him and adds an aura of foolishness and imbecility to what could potentially have been a fairly adequate film. Keep it real, Simon, don’t sell out to the Hollywood-types: stick to making underdog-comedies with Mike from Spaced. In fact, just make a Spaced movie and have done with it.

Where was I? Oh yes, the third film was Serenity by Joss Whedon. I’m pleased to report I sat through the whole thing with only one five minute interval (in which I had a wee and made some tea, in that order). It was really enjoyable and fairly easy to follow given that I hadn’t seen Firefly, the series it was based on. I particularly enjoyed the battles with Space Zombies (aka Reavers), the wry humour and the Buffy-a-like 17 year old girl who transforms into a walking weapon when her subliminal programming is activated by a random Japanese advert featuring a talking squid. 

And the fourth film was…oh yes, Quantum of Solace. Damn. I should really finish watching it, shouldn’t I? It’s been pretty implausible viewing though: even more implausible than the bit in How To Lose Friends And Alienate people where Megan Fox’s vapid multi-millionaire film star character- a real stretch for her- offers to shag Simon Pegg if he’ll give her his dead mother’s crap looking ring. He then goes back to his room and, get this, his mother (an old-school British actress of the black and white ‘oh Cecil, must you really?’ variety) is on tv in a film she starred in and he tunes it at the very moment she’s handed the same ring he just gave away. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!

Ahem, anyway, the scene where Bond parachutes out of a low flying plane into a sinkhole by clinging onto Myleene Klass’s body double before landing on his face with absolutely no discernable injuries is the silliest thing I’ve seen since, well, the last Bond film I watched, come to think of it.

Ok, ok, fine. I’ll finish watching it. But I hope Bond dies unexpectedly with a sizeable portion of the film left to go and that the final 25 minutes consists of close up footage of a bemused Judi Dench prodding at Bond’s insensible, charred body with an expression of bemusement and surprise on her face…

Wardle out.

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About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at Hilary3@gmail.com.

2 Responses to Attention Deficit Film Disorder (ADFD)

  1. Brennig says:

    Intacto. Try it. Brilliant film, totally completely wonderfully chillingly different. But brilliant.

  2. Mads says:

    I can’t watch films either. Last one I managed was Drop Dead Fred, which is proper highbrow in anyone’s book.

    However, I did see the Bond thang at a big big cinema and was just a little disorientated afterwerdds… doesn’t stuff just blow up for several hours?

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