Britain’s Got Bugger-all Talent

I’ve just been commenting along to the Guardian’s Britain’s (Not) Got Talent liveblog by the inimitable Heidi Stephens, aka HFactor. She deserves a medal for managing to make that absolute dross seem amusing, although I think even she got depressed at one point. It’s a parade of absolute idiocy, and the worst part is that all the people who end up on stage have been encouraged and talked up by BGT pimps who sieve out the mediocre and present only the scintillatingly talented (and by that I mean ‘can sing’) interspersed with the utter dross, the talentless tune-murderers and ferret-jugglers. However, to a large extent the dross-brigade think that they’re ‘proper’ contenders, and end up making utter spoons of themselves after being pumped with faux confidence by the tricksters backstage.

And the judges! Good grief: Amanda ‘Freezy Face’ Holden, Piers ‘Infected Bat Penis’ Morgan and Simon ‘Moneymoneymoneymoneymoneyfaketanmoneymoney’ Cowell? Amanda is a passable actress, but other than that has no discernable star quality, Piers is a lying, fraudulent little weasel- the ex-News of the World and Mirror editor who is famous for printing forged pics of British soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners, someone who has breached the Code of Conduct on financial journalism by acting on a shares tip off in the Mirror’s City Slickers column before the paper went to press, emptying his bank account to buy $67,000 of shares in Viglen. A shameless, snivelling maggot of a man, who’d sell his own grandmother for a fiver, or for a £1 share in Viglen, for that matter. And HE is judging OTHER PEOPLE? Seriously?

They sit there and poke fun at other people. Misguided people, for the most part, but they’re people who don’t trample over others, steal money, peddle lies for a living or have access to a seemingly unlimited supply of botox and L’Oreal revitalift. ‘Ha!’ they say, smirkingly. ‘You have a lot of guts!’ (i.e. the guts to get up on a stage when you haven’t been manicured and fake tanned into oblivion, when you haven’t been styled by ‘Fay Gorman’ “Fay Gorman has been a fashion stylist for many years, and went on to work with many celebrities including: Cat Deeley, Amanda Holden, Fiona Bruce, Ruby Wax, Gary Kemp, Ant & Dec and many more”)

Clearly the cannon fodder who shuffle gamely onto the stage in front of the gimlet-eyed threesome haven’t been subject to Fay’s softening, glamourising treatment, and are shot down by the panel of swivel-eyed, perma-tanned robots who feel that their relative attractiveness/wealth gives them the right to judge others.


About Hilary Wardle
Hilary is a freelance journalist and copywriter who writes for a wide range of websites, magazines and newspapers, including Buzzfeed, MSN, The Poke, Chortle, the Guardian and the Independent. She specialises in arts and entertainment, comedy, video games and viral content. Contact her at

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